So, my Master gave me a task to write about, and one that WE see very often, which is failed in our lifestyle. Of course with stories and movies like 50 shades of Grey, which let us face it, is a good fictional story…for what it is…FICTION!!! Yet it did shine a light on our lifestyle.
I want to say a positive one, but I am not entirely sure!!!
Now granted, it has opened up eyes to people, and have made our lifestyle a bit more known, and most people are a bit more accepting now, yet for others, it is seen as abuse, because people see the action of what is happening and not the relationship that leads up to that action. What makes this even worse is that predators and I don’t mean Primal, I mean predators, that like to abuse people, find our lifestyle to be an easy target.
Especially to those that are new to it!!!
So this was a reason my Dominant had asked me to write about it. Sir-Merrek Comes across women like this all the time. The ones that claim they are submissive, looking for a Dominant, a wants to be his dirty little whore, that has NO limits and will do whatever it is you want, no questions asked!!!
These women, and sometimes men come in not knowing anything. Granted I am not knocking anyone new to the lifestyle. I welcome anyone that finally escapes the Allegory cave, and comes into the sunlight, but I feel they just dive in, without researching. With people like Sir-Merrek, or even my own Master, they don’t get very far. Yet, what happens when they meet a Predator? One who is looking to hurt you, and not in a consensual way???
That is when I meet those women, who are owned by said Predator, claiming to be Dominant, when in fact, they are domineering and abusive. I cannot tell you how many times I hear, I am his submissive/slave, he owns me, and I have to do what he says, even if I don’t like it, or he hurts me, or it goes against any limit I have.
Red Flags, ALL over the place!!!!
So, first off, I tell them, BULLSHIT!!! You are a human being, and just because they Top you, doesn’t make you ANY less their equal. So I am going to list just a few of the main rights you have, not only as a submissive but as a person!!! If I listed them all, it would take the rest of our lives, because YOU are a person, you have all the same rights, the next person beside you does!!!
- You have the right to feel safe.
- You have the right to your emotions and feelings.
- You have the right to say NO.
- You have the right to be happy.
- You have the right to have input in a relationship and discuss if things need to be changed.
- You have the right to be loved and to love.
- You have the right to be healthy.
- You have the right to practice safe sex.
- You have the right to set limits and expect them to be respected.
- You have the right to a safe word.
- You have the right to use this safe word and expect it to be respected.
- You have the right NOT to talk about WHY you called this safe word.
- You have the right to ask for things.
- You have the right to aftercare.
- You have the right to privacy.
- You have the right to friends, and family.
- You have the right to deny an order or command if it can get you into trouble with the law.
- You have the right to not be verbal, emotionally, or physically abused.
- You have the right to negotiate your contract.
- You have the right to all the basic needs a human needs to survive.
- You have the right to end the relationship, for any reason, whatsoever.
These do not list everything, just some of the major ones. Many of which I have encountered with people I have met. In fact, when I was new, I believed I had no rights as a slave either. I did whatever I was told, even if it put my life in danger. It took me years to find my own voice and courage to finally say, NO!!! I am not an expert but I try to be a voice out there to encourage women to embrace whom they are but to do so safely.
I wish I had someone to help me when I first started. I might have stepped right over a few men, and be better for it emotionally. However, I am grateful in a way to what has happened to me in the past, because it allows me to have a voice now, and the courage to help others. Through my trauma, and my journey I can hope that what I have experienced, and writing about it, might help someone else.
Wishful thinking, I guess!!!
However, I need to say this as well. These rights are yours, but it is in NO way a reason for your to be a pain in the ass. These aren’t to allow you to get out of punishments. This is not a reason for you to say you agree to a certain dynamic and then throw it in their face. This is a mature adult relationship. Two consenting adults, both giving something so intimate to the other.
It also isn’t easy for a Dominant to be a Dominant. So make sure that when you two are discussing your needs, wants, expectations, rules, contracts, the dynamic you want, rules, punishments, and everything that comes within this relationship. Be sure to take it seriously, and voice what you know you cannot do.
When you agree to terms, make sure you do your best to adhere to them!!!
Don’t make excuses, or use your rights as a human being, and submissive/slave, to top from the bottom. Be respectful of your partner as well. Don’t think you are better than them. You are both EQUAL and if you start to get that persona, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your relationship. Nothing will work if you aren’t willing to be mature, and communicate in a mature manner.
Trust me, I am not perfect. I have my tantrums just like everyone does!!!
I am also guilty in the past, of not sticking to my dynamic. It is learning experience. We are all learning and growing as individuals, just make sure that you are doing it, in a healthy way. Do your own research as well. Don’t just take the words of others. One last thing, ALWAYS be aware of RED FLAGS!!!
• Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
• Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
• Is negative and unsupportive of other relationships you have.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in.
• May want you to quit your job, give up your car or telephone.
• Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
• Calls and visits unexpectedly on a regular basis.
• Refuses to allow you a safe call.
• Becomes angry if you show signs of independence or strength.
• Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about them.
• Refuses to give their marital status before a meeting.
• Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves or past events.
• When you ask personal questions, gets angry, changes the topic, ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Gets mad if you ask for references or want to ask others about them.
• Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them and gets angry if you try to contact them outside of those conditions.
• Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Cheats on you.
• Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Are evasive about their activities, especially unexplained absences.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.
• Critical of the BDSM community.
• Critical of multiple respected members of the BDSM community.
• Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within the BDSM community.
• Refuses to participate in the BDSM community.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to, and becomes angry if you ask for them.
• Has no friendships or refuses contact with their family.
• Is always exaggerating.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault.
• Does not take personal responsibility, or acknowledge their own mistakes.
• Their apologies feel insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
• Brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like, Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Never shows you their human side. Hides their vulnerabilities or behave in an emotionless manner.
• Hides behind their D/s authority says that their authority should not be questioned
• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers, and janitors.
• Displays little concern or awareness of the feelings or needs of others.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
• Obvious and excessive displays of impatience.
• Believe that they are deserving of some particular reward or benefit even at the expense of others.
• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being “good enough”.
• Says that you are not a true sub/slave/Dom.
• Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Tries to make you think that relationship problems are your fault.
• Yells or by threatens to withdraw their love/leave you if you do not do as he/she wishes?
• Consistently breaks promises.
• Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes through extreme highs (behaving with great kindness) and pronounced lows (behaving with cruelty), almost as though they are two distinctly different people.
• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
• Overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
• Insists a safe word is not necessary.
• Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Gambles excessively.
• Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Begins saying things like, “I can’t live without you.”
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.
• Loses control of their emotions in arguments. Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Uses force or violence to solve problems?
• Punch walls or throw things when they’re upset.
• Turns on their peers, going quickly from “best friend” to “arch enemy”, often for trivial or imagined reasons.
• Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told “no”.
• Holds excessive grudges against others and goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life.
• We’re an abuse victim themselves and may be abusive as a learned behavior.
• May exhibit cruel behavior towards animals.
• Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but claims the partner “made” him/her do it.
Safe, Sane, and Consensual!!!