Drowning

Tension has been building lately. I really do not know the main cause of it. Maybe it is stress? The move has really put a toll on our relationship. We haven’t had a D/s aspect of our relationship for close to six months now. I took a small break from writing. Mostly because I haven’t had the desire to write, nor the motivation.

I have tried so hard to behave and to make sure that things get done. I am maintaining the house, but it seems when I want it to stay clean, or set up a way to keep it clean, I am apparently a Nazi. I guess wanting a clean house is a bad thing? I cook most of the week, and sure, on really bad pain days someone else will cook for me, but for the most part, I feel I have stepped up to the plate.

I swore up and down that when we moved, out of my parent’s place, and had more space, and more time for ourselves, that things would be different. That I would make sure people didn’t have to stress so much over little things because that is my job. They work so hard, they don’t need the extra stress.

I was promised things in return as well. Not just from my Master, but from others in the household. Things that are not happening, and so the tension builds as I continue to hold my tongue. Yet it is so much more than that. It is more than just these little things that cause tension.

Master and I are growing apart, I am not sure if he can feel it, but I can. Last night was a huge quake in our relationship. I felt it grow even farther apart. It breaks my heart. How can I make it go back to how it was? I wonder if moving out is going to prove too much? It should be better I think, moving out, no kids around, being able to be who we are without stress.

I am not sure if what I imagined, and what is reality are the same thing anymore. I am scared. That I might lose my Master. That we will just decide to be friends. We aren’t as intimate anymore and that bothers me. We were barely intimate before, and now it is nearly nonexistent.

I am not even talking about sex either. Our Intimacy. We used to snuggle, kiss, play, everything. Now if I try, I get snapped at, and I know my Master will read this, and it will hurt him, and I am not trying to do that, but I have no way of venting. I have no one to talk to about this.

I get made to feel stupid for wanting certain things. I get made to feel guilty when I cannot sleep. I feel humiliated when I hurt too much to do anything. I do not do well in chaos or any disorder. I do worse when I feel I am not wanted. Sure needed, because everyone always wants something from me.

I know my Master loves me, but the distance between us right now, is deafening, and all I do when I am alone is, cry. I try to find ways to keep my mind occupied, so I don’t just break down, but I don’t know anymore, what to do.

I just feel more alone than ever.

Struggling – A Reflection

 

My life has been constantly changing lately. We moved from living with Deka’s parents and into our own apartment. We’ve gained three new small fur-babies that make my smile and I am truly glad that we can give them a proper home where they are not abused or neglected as they were before.

 
Moving into our new apartment was a struggle. Packing and moving were stressful in itself. I had wanted to take time from work so I could move into our new home, unpack, and get settled before returning to work. Financially that was not possible. So I worked between moving and settling in, which exhausted me. I was not the only one who was so drained. My Deka was as well.

 
One thing that I came to understand about my girl is that she despises chaos. There is something inside of her that cannot stand the sight of mess or disorganization. So moving for her is especially stressful.

 
We had our fights, yelling, and disagreements. As much as she is my submissive she is also my partner and wife. All couples argue regardless of your kinks or lifestyle. That is something that took time for me to understand. I was used to previous submissives never talking back and not truly having their own identity. My Deka is strong willed but, even so, there is that girl that still needs her Dominant and I love that about her.

 
However, the D/s relationship we share has taken a nose dive and we have lived almost vanilla for a few months now. It bothers me to no end but I cannot find the magical button that will put our D/s back into full swing. We are two independent people. Deka has had so much on her plate in her life that I do not believe she knows what it means to not be in control. Not once, ever in her life has she just gotten to be herself without worrying. It is now ingrained in who she is as a person is to be in control and yet, it tears her apart.

 
The past few nights we found her favorite alcoholic beverage and she shared the experience with me. I am not a drinker but I may have one or two from time to time. However, I learned that my Deka becomes very honest when she is intoxicated. It was when we were alone in bed that she cried and told me how much she had failed and how her Master had left her. How he didn’t want her anymore and, in her words, ‘how could I blame him?’

 
I have always believed that a submissive’s failures are largely the fault of the Dominant they serve. It is our responsibility to keep them on the straight and narrow. Now my Deka feels like she has been abandoned like she isn’t wanted, and I made her feel this way. I made her feel as if she was unloved and unwanted. Now my Deka just sits there, waiting to see how long it will be before I, like everyone else in her life, leaves her.

 
Last night was a horrible night for both of us. Deka suffers from insomnia and I suffer from terrible migraines. When I say migraines I do not mean, by any means, headaches. First, my sight will go and I won’t be able to talk straight. My words will come out as nonsense or backward. My body will go numb and the pain is so intense that all I can do is scream. Nothing can help it. The bottom lobe of my head swells because of stress and pressure and Deka will spend hours rubbing my head until the swelling subsides. Usually, my body warns me, as if it knows that it is about to be triggered. However, last night I was asleep. I had to be up for work at 5 am and so I went to bed at 1030pm. I felt fine going to sleep but at about 3 am I woke up in the midst of one of those migraines. I texted Deka, who was awake in the living room because of her insomnia and asked her to bring meds. That was all I could type ‘bring meds. pain.’

 
So she came and held me as I screamed and cried for how bad it hurt. She brought me water, a cold rag for my head, brought me into the living room so she could keep an eye on me. She helped whenever she could and I felt so weak and powerless. I appreciate her help more than you can understand but I do not like for her to worry about me or see that I am in pain. It was just a bad night for us both.

 
I need to find a way to feel like her Dominant again and help her see that she is still my submissive. That she is still loved, wanted, and adored. That she deserves to be happy and that everything will work out.

 
The biggest fault that I have is inconsistency. I am a Master of letting things slide and not following on punishments and boy does she know it. I have to work on it, every day because this is worth every effort I could put into it. She is the most precious and beautiful person and I cherish her.

BOYCOTT SUBWAY

So proud of my master. So NOT happy about subway!!!

A typical day, well sort of. Merrek had to go to the walk-in clinic to have his face looked at, after getting hurt at work. So Master and I went to get Subway while we waited. I stayed in the car, and Master went in to get the food for us. We were going to take it back to the doctors and eat in the car while we waited.

But Master gets assaulted!!!

So we all know, Master is FtM Transgender, but apparently to some, they don’t care. While my Master stood in line, so he could order our lunch, a man approached. He began to touch my Master’s shoulder, put his arm around my Master, and was flirting.

Fucking Pervert!!!!

So my Master first moved away from him, but the guy came close again and started all over again. my Master said look, I am married, and that he was also not into men!!! The man shrugged and said he didn’t care, he had lesbian and gay friends, and they told him to fuck gay pussy, and that he could make my Master into men!!

OF course, NO ONE at Subway decided to step in!!!

So Master ordered our food and left, not wanting to cause a scene or to get into a confrontation. We deal with this kind of crap ALL the fecking time!!! So he came out, and as I began to drive back to the road, to get across the street to the doctors, Master told me what happened!!!

Deka flips a bitch, and goes RIGHT back to Subway!!!

I am very loud, opinionated, and do NOT tolerate assault, battery, or downright rude fucking nasty ass perverts!!! I also cuss like a sailor, which OKAY, I know isn’t lady like, but oh fecking well!!! I got back there, and march RIGHT back into Subway myself this time. The man is still there, he smiles and winks at me. I yelled at him to keep his nasty ass perverted face away from me.

I got to the counter and demanded to speak to the manager. He came out, and I demanded to know why he is allowing people to molest their customers, and make derogatory comments. The man had the audacity to ask me, what I wanted him to do since the other man was also a paying customer!!!

How about telling the pervert to fucking leave????

I told him to call the fucking cops!!! He was lucky I didn’t kick the man’s fucking teeth in because I wanted too!!! The cops came, charges pressed for battery!!! The man is no longer allowed at Subway per the COPS orders, at least at that actual location!!!

BUT low and behold the man had JUST gotten out of jail too!!! I am happy Master pressed charges, I am happy I also stood up for Master. IF no one protects Master, then who will??? and ALSO I am tired of people thinking it is OKAY to touch you without your fecking consent!!!!

I won’t stand for the lack of consent this society says is OKAY!!! It is NOT Okay, and it is NOT sexy!!!! PLUS the comments….WERE NOT OKAY!!! and I will continue to shout it at the top of my lungs that it is not alright, and I will hold your fecking ass accountable!!!

Of Course, Subway at it’s finest lied to the cops!!!

They said they didn’t see anything, so the man wasn’t arrested, just given a bench date to arrive before a judge!! How is this Okay??? We will NEVER return to Subway again!!! I personally feel the manager, and the female worker, working that day should have been fired!!!

It gets old, having to deal with this kind of shit, because of who we are in love with! Perhaps the next time I won’t let the cops deal with it, and I will deal with justice, MY way!!!

I Love you, my Master!!!!

Home Depot – Harness Kits

Master and I lost our first set of rope. Granted they weren’t the best, and we don’t know much about roping yet to know if we lost something great, but having some extra cash we decided to go buy some rope. We ordered some pretty rope from Knothead, so that will be used just for pictures.

BUT, Deka…..what will you use to practice with?

We took a trip to Home Depot. Granted I don’t like supporting them, BUT they were closest. So we went in, and we are playing with their rope, feeling it, seeing what textures we like and what we don’t. Then we chose a color and finally asked for help.

Master was nervous….Deka apparently has NO shame!!!

Of course, a really sexy looking man comes over to help, and I tell him I need help choosing the right kind of rope, for a harness!!! He smiled and said he would get the rope guy. So a guy comes over and I asked him the same thing. He goes informs me that they have a rope harness kit!!!

OMG, Home Depot has an entire harness kit!!!

So we go to that section and the man shows up these harness kits. To my dismay, they were for climbing trees, or mountains and such. I facepalmed. I told both men because of course, the hot Home Depot guy had to remain there, that I was asking about the harness for me, to tie me up. The hot guy blushed and grinned bigger and the rope guy had NO idea what I was talking about. So out pops my phone to google an image for an example.

UGH, why is it ONLY naked women???

So I apologized and said, sadly it’s a naked woman in the picture. They both laugh and said they don’t mind a naked lady. Once they saw what I wanted, the rope guy blushed and told us regular rope would suffice. So he got the rope cutter, and we made our selection. My Master was shocked that I did that.

Deka has NO shame apparently.

and I thought about it. WHY should I be embarrassed? I am not ashamed of it. I am rather proud that Master and I are active in our lifestyle, and even more proud that I had the courage to just openly ask, and get the answers I needed. We didn’t need to buy rope without an education on what rope works best.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual!!!

Even if it means two vanilla men learn I liked to be tied up!

I Love You, my Master!!!

The Five Senses Writing Challenge

When it comes to the senses challenge I really wish I could write about each one. For me it really is the combination of everything to make it intense, however, I must admit, after a long thought on it, one stands out more than the rest. So for this challenge, I need to write about touch.

I never realized in my life just how much touch is important. For years I went without being touched. Whether sexually or just a hug wrapped around me. Everyone needs to be touched in some way. They need to feel another person’s fingers on their skin. It helps us connect.

I am huge into sensory deprivation, blindfold, the gag, the ear muffs. This is all added so that when I get touched, whether it is by hands or objects, my touch is intensified. This is so much more erotic. Mostly because I cannot see or hear whatever is coming to me. Though this isn’t the only way to enhance my sexual pleasure through touch.

Even being able to see what is about to happen to me, how his fingers touch me, or what object he plans to use against my body, makes me even more eager. That anticipation is everything to me. It helps me focus, and then my skin comes alive, I feel connected, I feel loved and wanted, and taken care of.

Though the reason I chose touch extends far more than sexual reasons. Almost all of my life I have never felt wanted, or loved, or even cared for. I have always been the one to keep everything together. The strong one! So when you find someone that gives you all of that love. The intimate tender caresses that aren’t even sexual, and then can turn around and give you what you need just from their fingertips. You tend to hold onto that.

For me, it is far more than sexual. It is my connection, to the world, to another person that loves me just as much as I love them.

Topping From The Bottom in a 24/7 Lifestyle

Topping from the bottom is a common occurrence in Lifestyle BDSM. Let’s start with the definition of today’s topic.

“Topping From the Bottom” is a situation in which the ‘bottom’ in a D/s scenario or scene is leading the ‘Top’ who is supposed to control the scene.

So, in our lifestyle, what does ‘Topping from the Bottom” mean?

So, generally, it is a very negative statement. Topping from the bottom is not something a submissive strives to achieve. It is more of a failure, in my opinion, in the dynamic. It is one of the taboo words in our lifestyle that is literally cringe-worthy and people will avoid you if you are known to do this.

Why is it such a bad thing?

Usually, topping from the bottom, in a 24/7 lifestyle means the submissive is in control. They are weaseling their way out of punishments, tasks, chores, and are doing it on purpose.

A good example of ‘Topping from the Bottom’ is if the Submissive is told to wash the dishes. They don’t want to do the chore and so instead go and do something else. When the Dominant confronts them as to why the dishes aren’t done they say something along the lines of ‘Well, you didn’t tell me I had to.’ or ‘I’ll do it later’ with no actual intention of performing the task.

A submissive will mold the situation around their desires and their will instead of just submitting to the power exchange which is, at its primal source, the purpose for the relationship. So topping from the bottom strips a Dominant of what power the submissive has given them. Topping from the bottom is also calling your safeword when, in reality, you really don’t need to.
Such as, calling RED when you are about to be punished and refusing to accept another punishment or just refusing to accept punishments, period.

Now that we know what ‘Topping From the Bottom’ is the next few paragraphs may be hard for the pride of some submissives.

Every submissive ‘Tops from the Bottom’ at some point in their life.

It is natural for this to happen as all submissives in PROPER BDSM make the CONSCIOUS effort to give their control to their top. It is a decision they have to continually make over and over again. It isn’t like breathing unless there has been some abuse in play or extreme conditioning. Submissives are still people who want what they want out of life. They will get tired of giving that control up from time to time and need to find an outlet.

As I commonly preach in my blogs, Dominants are still people too. They are still human. They cannot be the SUPER dominant serious guy who never smiles and constantly has a whip in their hand. They have desires, fears, and sick days. Days when they, as people, need to be taken care of. Days they just need to stay in bed and watch movies with their partner. Dominants and submissives, both are imperfect. So yes, Topping from the bottom is going to happen.

And that is OKAY!

Forgive, discuss, and move on. Don’t let yourself dwell on it. If it becomes a reoccurring issue or the submissive is exploiting the natural weakness in their partner, then that needs to be addressed. The relationship may need evaluation on if these two people are going to work in the lifestyle. Maybe a little more training and a little more awareness on the part of the Dominant.

Every relationship is different and as special as the individuals in it. You should never judge anyone, or any relationship, based on what you see. Just be accepting, helpful, and knowledgeable about the lifestyle you are trying to live and the people in it.

Abusive Propaganda??? P.57

I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe has been an idol for me for a very long time. She is timeless and beautiful, but I have noticed lately that my line of thinking is changing. I am constantly seeing things that used to inspire me, in new ways, and realizing it could be seen as abusive. Which startles me. How often have I been lined up with abuse and not truly know it? How long have I been in the Allegory Cave???

For example, the quote above said by Marilyn Monroe used to be one I treasured. I always believed that people should be able to handle my bad sides. Now I am not talking about my breakdowns, where I trigger, I am talking about my tantrums, my anger, my temper. All of which I should be able to control, and no one is required to endure them.

So when I read this quote again, it made me think. If someone cannot handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best?? So what Marilyn was saying, to me, is that she had the right to be abusive, and if no one could handle that abuse, they didn’t deserve her?

Oh no she did not just that!!!

I did. I did just say that. Now I don’t know what she truly meant because I wasn’t alive when she said it. I wasn’t able to ask her what she meant, so this is my PERSONAL perception of her words. How it translates to me, is that someone can be abusive, as much as they want, and if I do not choose to endure it, I am not worthy.

The truth is, anyone who sticks around for the abuse, to me needs help. Professional help! Which is sad, because my mother endured abuse or twenty-two years, and I should be a bit more compassionate to women that endure it. I have been through my own type of abuse, but I have never stuck around to endure it twice.

Part of me does not understand why people do!!!

This is just my own view on the quote above, but it makes me wonder. How many more things out there, commercials, pictures, politicals speeches, all sorts of propaganda out there, leading up to today, if we looked at it, would we see more abusive things?? Why has abuse been the norm in society??? Why are people allowing it to continue???

I am sure she meant, it more of how she isn’t perfect, and if they cannot handle an imperfect person they do not deserve her, but the other half of me truly views it as an abusive statement.

We need to stop the cycle!!!

“Dominance has nothing to do with ropes, cuffs, or floggers… It has everything to do with trust and strength.” – Unknown – P. 56

I love hearing people who are new to BDSM, or just don’t know anything about it, discuss how it is just abuse or just a reason for freaky people to unleash their disgusting habits, and fantasies or they are bigots, or just cheaters etc. I mean how can someone be into bondage, and not Dominance, or be into service but not be hit with floggers. It is true, there are some that are just into the release of being tied up, or beaten with floggers, or be restrained with cuffs, and silk ties.

In my own personal relation, it is intertwined. I can have Dominance from my Master without any use of kinky things. We don’t need bondage, we don’t need the floggers because my submission is more than just fetish play. Granted the fetish play add that spice to our relationship that makes it that much more delicious.

Though I must admit it takes more than doing what you’re told, and a few spankings to say you’re in a Dominant/submissive relationship. It takes a huge dive into the trusts tank. Something you have to do blindly. Though the trust is truly needed, it is a struggle. I am sure I am not the only submissive that does struggle. In fact, we don’t get much credit for it. It takes a ton of strength to be submissive.

Dominants don’t always get recognition either. Do you know how much strength they have to have? To be in control of a submissive, you have to maintain protocol, learn what works for them, assess the scenes, make sure they are safe at all times, ALWAYS be in control of yourself, so you don’t hurt them, or anyone around you. Just as the submissive struggles to give up their ability to make decisions, and to fall in line, I am sure it is just as exhausting for a Dominant.

No wonder they need an annual Dominants Day Off, Day!!!

It takes so much strength in myself to surrender to my Master. Some days it doesn’t come at all, and those are days I just need him as my partner. Though I cannot be Dominated by just anyone. There is a lot that goes into it for me, more than just trust or strength. I need to know the person on an intimate level. By that, I don’t mean sex. I mean mentally, intimate. Stimulate my mind. Arouse my intellect. In fact, I find you more attractive when you just be yourself and display that you are proud to do it.

I also need to feel I am safe with you. It is no secret that I have survived abuse. So the feeling of safety is very important. Keep a strict regiment, I cannot handle chaos. I need structure, it is something that has been lacking in my life. My Master built trust with me, a foundation with me, which was more than just D/s. We started out friends and built up to what we are today.

There is talk in the future we MIGHT have play partners. He might let others use me for a scene. We might just unleash our kinky side, but one thing that has really aroused my fantasies is the idea of him commanding me to serve other Doms. Whether it is just domestic duties or sexual ones, is up to him.

I like to think I am a slut!!!

The idea of me just being used for pleasure arouses me, but I can face reality. I do not just put myself out there for every Tom, Dick or Harry. In fact, that is not me at all. Sure I talk a big game. My fantasies are all about Gang bang and being tossed to piles of men, but to do that on my own terrifies me. However, there is something more erotic when my Master says, you will do this. It makes me feel I serve him more!

I do have a desire to have my Master have his Dominant friends over for an afternoon lunch, and be the object of their conversation. YES, I do mean OBJECT!!! Which is something I don’t always like to say, because BDSM, Submissive, I am still a feminist? Go Figure!!! However, I wouldn’t mind once in a while in a consensual way, submit to being their Object for an afternoon. The idea to me is appealing.

I Do Have Limits!!! Though I have found out that the more I give in, the fewer limits I have!!!

Which is odd, when Master and I first got together, I had if I remember correctly about 70 Hard Limits. No one can say I didn’t know what I wanted and did not want. Today though I have maybe 4 – 5 hard limits, which are basic normal ones everyone has. I try more things and fall in love with more and more of my submission.

Though there are things I wish to improve on. My pain tolerance for one. Following orders..you know basic things, but the big thing. The one I want to work on the most is giving in. It is so hard for me to shut off, the every day, take charge of your life Deka. I want to be the, yes my Master, whatever pleases you my Master, sort of Deka, ALL the time. When I fail at this, I cry. It breaks my heart, and I really do not handle it so well.

I fall into a slight depression for a few days, because I failed in my duties to my Master. Which is something I never want to do? I used to have a friend, well someone I thought was my friend, that when my Master discussed me failing in my duties because I had a tantrum.

I am not perfect!!!

Though Master discussed it with him, that person had the nerve to tell my Master to just dump me and move on. Well, sorry for being human. I falter, I fuck up, but I can see it for what it is, apologize, beg forgiveness, take a punishment, and move the hell on, and try to improve myself. Usually, I give up, and usually, the Dom that owns me just let’s go and moves on.

This relationship has been so different for me. Master doesn’t give up, though he could if he wished. I haven’t given up either, though there were times I nearly did because I didn’t feel good enough for him. We have strived to work through every conflict, every misunderstanding, every hurt feeling, and we continue today to face adversity together, hand in hand, or leash in hand!!!

Master helps me work through my anxiety, and I try so hard to be his good girl!

I am responsible for myself. He is responsible for himself, and together we are both responsible for our commitment to each other. To honoring our contract, to holding each other accountable when we fuck up. To not make excuses, and to always no matter how hard it gets between us, not matter what problems we face, or people who point and stare at us, to stick by each other. Together we create on the whole unit. Without him, I am just a hollow half of something greater. I hope that in his eyes, I am the perfect completion to his puzzle, as he is to mine!!!

I Love You, My Master!!!

How can I be into BDSM, after surviving abuse???

Like many others in the world, I have suffered trauma in my past. It ranges from domestic violence to molestation, rape, and even losing loved ones. I’ve done the whole, let’s be cool, drink and pass out, to hey what’s a good drug to party with today. Granted I didn’t do anything too hardcore. Nothing involving needles, because even though I enjoy the artistic side of needle plays pictures, I am terrified of them.

So, I have triggers, which I work through.

What I have gone through is no better or worse than the next person, but I can say that I have found more solace and peace with my issues in BDSM then I have in any therapy session. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Anxiety, and of course D.I.D. So, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, and Disassociative Identity Disorder.

I am not afraid of these, nor am I ashamed of them!!!

So it really frustrates me when someone asks why I am into BDSM, after being a victim of abuse, don’t you trigger? The abuse, of course, could be any form of it. Yet this really bothers me. For many reasons. It has taken me weeks to decide to write about this. I wanted to wait until my anger subsided because it does make me angry. When someone calls me a victim.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor!!!

Even so, being a survivor has no reason to discourage me from BDSM. Yes, I trigger, but hardly do I actually trigger. Sometimes after having an orgasm, I get thrown into a panic attack. Now, if I wasn’t into BDSM, I would likely reach for prescribed medication, to help stop it, or reach for that brown paper bag to breathe in and out when I begin to hyperventilate. What I can say is that since I am into BDSM, I have found out that when my Master holds me down or ties my wrists up, it help me focus.

Master puts his weight on me, wraps me in his arms, and tells me I am safe.

Then he breathes in and out deeply, loudly, and tells me to do the same, to match his breathing. He will run his fingers through my hair, and be there for me until it passes. This works better for me than any pill a doctor has given me. This works better for me than therapy. Sometimes I know myself, my body, my brain better than any licensed professional.

Though yes, I trigger. I trigger all the time, and not even during BDSM a scene. After some things that happened in my past, I have a hard time going anywhere alone. If I have to drive anywhere by myself, my anxiety goes through the roof. Sometimes I trigger and have a panic attack. I am often when I am out scanning the crowds for faces of my past. Fearing they will be there any moment I let my guard down. Sometimes I detach when things become too chaotic, and in fact, I use to handle the chaos in my life rather well. I was outgoing, friendly, social, and now I am different.

I try to be a great person!!!

BDSM, however, does not affect my triggers as much as some think. I used to trigger every day. For ten years straight, I would trigger every day. I went through medication like it was candy. I couldn’t leave my house. Yet look at me now. I barely trigger now. Maybe once a month at that. I haven’t taken any medication in years. I do not go to therapy despite people saying I need help. My writing helps. My experiences help. BDSM has helped me.

So yes, I trigger. Yes, I am a survivor of several types of abuse, but it doesn’t define me. It doesn’t make BDSM unsafe for me. I do not do anything without my consent. I make all my decisions with a sane mind, and I make that while I am with my Master, that I am safe.

He ALWAYS makes sure I am safe!!!

I trigger, but I am safe!

Miss In….Dependent

In the morning, or when your pet arrives, bind their arms behind her back comfortably. Use whatever you’re comfortable with, cuffs, restraints, rope. Just be sure it’s secure and wearable long term.

Play a little while, have a hot sexy fuck session. Afterward, get dressed and ask them to follow you. Don’t untie their arms. For as long as it’s funny/sexy, or for as long as you both can continue it, keep her bound and reliant on you. Make her beg or ask you to feed them, hold drinks to their lips, wipe after the toilet. Put food or water in a bowl for them to eat – particularly amusing if your pet does not have good core muscles. They will have trouble balancing, sitting, getting up. Orders to fetch things for you will be received with dread.

You can choose to use this as a punishment; making your pet say something humiliating with every request they make of you and ensuring they fail in tasks. For play, teasing and playing with your bound pet. To reinforce your level of control/devotion for your pet. It takes a great degree of trust and devotion to wipe someone’s ass or to look to their every need. (anonymous)

I don’t remember who wrote this, but after I read it out loud to my Master, he said he wants to do something like this to me. You would think it would be scary, to not be able to use your hands, and can only go about being completely dependent on someone else. Which would be extremely hard for me. Considering the fact of how independent I am.

I have to keep reminding myself that Dominants do need to feel needed, as much as they crave to be wanted. I always revert to my, I can handle it myself attitude. Mainly because I am used to being on my own, and being the only one that watches out for myself. Whenever I had an issue with someone or a problem I had to overcome, no one else was interested in helping me. So now it is really hard to have a problem and revert to asking my Master, to help me, before I tackle it from other angles.

Now, Master and I had had a few very intimate moments that have changed things in how my brain works. I truly feel I am changing for the better. So this made me recall a moment at the dungeon with my Master. Being blindfolded, with my hands tied behind my back. He had me leashed and would move me around. Walk me over to a table. He would help me onto the table, help me move in positions where I thought I was going to fall off.

This built trust between us!

As I continue to look back on it, it is something I have asked for more of. More blindfolds, and having my Master hinder me in ways that do in fact make me more helpless, and in need of him. So Master and I discussed this, and he said this sounded fun, and like something he would want to do in the future. Go a whole day, with having to ask him to help me. To beg to be fed, or helped up from the floor, and other things.

He desires me a little less independant!

Which is something I am working on? It is hard to transition from busy decision making, doing all the stuff daytime Deka, to his little submissive, pretty subservient Deka. Though we have been finding ways to start getting me into the mindset much more quickly. I am both scared and yet excited to do this with my Master one day. I am certain it won’t be entirely how they described it up top, we might make it in our own variant, but it is well anticipated for the future. Perhaps it will be the first thing we do in our new place?

I love you, my Master!!!