Well just when you think 2019 is going to be a great year for you BAMit gives you a big fat sucker punch to the gut and says, “NOPE, False Hope Bitch!!!” First, my Master has been undergoing tests and we find out he has a severe hormone imbalance. Which terrifies me. Hormones change your personality.
I want the doctors to find out what’s wrong and fix him!!!
I am not that selfish to demand someone to be sick for the rest of their lives, no matter what happens. I am scared though, with Hormones they change who you are. So I am scared, if they find out what’s wrong if they fix it, will he change? Will, he does not love me anymore? Will he find out that it was just the hormones fucked upside that cared about me?
It sounds silly, I know, but it happens!!!
So as I am plagued with worry for him, to find out WHAT the hell is wrong with him, we get another hit. His mother calls and tells us she has been diagnosed with Bone Marrow Cancer. sighs and everything comes in threes. So what the fuck else do I need to face with him by the end of this year??? I don’t know what to do, I feel so damn helpless. He is stressed out about his health, he won’t stay off Google Web MD, so he adds to his stress more, and now his mother.
and it sounds as if she won’t fight cancer!!!
So she just tells us its time to get her affairs in order, and she has no idea who will continue to take care of my father in law. Well even if this becomes fatal and we can’t save her, WE will always take care of family, but nothing I can do or say will ever take away this pain in his heart. I feel helpless as his submissive to help him.
I know all I can do is be there for him!
I want to do more, I want to take away his pain, his grief, his stress, his heartbreak, I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything would be okay again, but I can’t. I am trying hard to push my fears and stresses aside to just focus on him, and his current needs but it is getting hard. It is making me depressed all over again. It would help if my friend was still alive because I could talk to him without having to add more shit to my Master’s plate. I don’t want to trouble him with my worries when he has SOOO much on his plate as it is.
I thought I had a new friend that I could talk to, but turns out all they do is lie to me or about me
So, despite my love and undying devotion for my Master, and know that he loves me, and is my world and I am His, I just feel lost, alone, and helpless. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore, but I know matter what happens with him, or his mother I will be there at his side for as long as he wants and needs me!