Fuck 2019

Well just when you think 2019 is going to be a great year for you BAMit gives you a big fat sucker punch to the gut and says, “NOPE, False Hope Bitch!!!” First, my Master has been undergoing tests and we find out he has a severe hormone imbalance. Which terrifies me. Hormones change your personality.

I want the doctors to find out what’s wrong and fix him!!!

I am not that selfish to demand someone to be sick for the rest of their lives, no matter what happens. I am scared though, with Hormones they change who you are. So I am scared, if they find out what’s wrong if they fix it, will he change? Will, he does not love me anymore? Will he find out that it was just the hormones fucked upside that cared about me?

It sounds silly, I know, but it happens!!!

So as I am plagued with worry for him, to find out WHAT the hell is wrong with him, we get another hit. His mother calls and tells us she has been diagnosed with Bone Marrow Cancer. sighs and everything comes in threes. So what the fuck else do I need to face with him by the end of this year??? I don’t know what to do, I feel so damn helpless. He is stressed out about his health, he won’t stay off Google Web MD, so he adds to his stress more, and now his mother.

and it sounds as if she won’t fight cancer!!!

So she just tells us its time to get her affairs in order, and she has no idea who will continue to take care of my father in law. Well even if this becomes fatal and we can’t save her, WE will always take care of family, but nothing I can do or say will ever take away this pain in his heart. I feel helpless as his submissive to help him.

I know all I can do is be there for him!

I want to do more, I want to take away his pain, his grief, his stress, his heartbreak, I wish I could just snap my fingers and everything would be okay again, but I can’t. I am trying hard to push my fears and stresses aside to just focus on him, and his current needs but it is getting hard. It is making me depressed all over again. It would help if my friend was still alive because I could talk to him without having to add more shit to my Master’s plate. I don’t want to trouble him with my worries when he has SOOO much on his plate as it is.

I thought I had a new friend that I could talk to, but turns out all they do is lie to me or about me

So, despite my love and undying devotion for my Master, and know that he loves me, and is my world and I am His, I just feel lost, alone, and helpless. I just don’t know what to do or think anymore, but I know matter what happens with him, or his mother I will be there at his side for as long as he wants and needs me!

Spice It Up – P.95

I think after years of being with someone it takes more work to keep it working. You both can get into a rut and then it feels like the grinds aren’t moving correctly. Sometimes people let that rut and mundane routine get to them and they break up. Which is tragic. For others, people like me, I like to get that can out and oil the machine so to speak. We have to keep things spicy sometimes to make things work again correctly.

I like to explore things even if at first the sound of doing it isn’t something I might be interested in. I used to have a LONG list of Nopes, but now I have changed it to a list of Try and see if you actually like it.

Part of keeping things interesting in a relationship to keep the sex fresh is to know and learn your partner’s needs. I never like to plan sexual encounters, I like to be spur of the moment, but sometimes you have to pay attention to the situation. If your partner is tired, not feeling well, etc. These come into play. If you want to try something new, then make sure that you have the supplies needed to try it.

Sometimes I initiate our sexual encounters but I don’t just push Silas to the bed and tell him what’s going on. I always initiate it in a submissive manner. I will kiss on the parts of his body that turn him on. I will beg him to use me, I will whimper and tell him that I am eager and needy. Granted there are other things too, I like to watch porn, I like to Rp dirty naughty things, all of which are things that can bring arousal to my Dominant, and inform him that I am aching to be taken.

Good thing I am not ashamed of things that interest me!!!

I mean granted back in the day before Silas I was so embarrassed to admit things that I wanted to experience. I never admitted my own needs, or wants, or fantasies. Maybe once in a while on my blog I would hint about something here or there, but admitting it to a person’s face to face. Was a Nope! However, with Silas, he has encouraged me to open up. He has accepted me for my fantasies, my needs, my desires, and has never made me feel ignorant or like an outcast because of them.

It makes it easy for Silas and I to be partners in a relationship and a sexual one at that. I can tell him that today I am feeling like I want to do anal training, or maybe I feel like being a pet, and eating out of my little pet bowls. I can ask for knife play, of sensory deprivation and Silas is usually down to playing with me in all things. Never once have I ever felt ashamed, a little silly but after that first initial time after that, it’s all fun.

Silas makes it better by adhering to our safewords, but I have to admit I haven’t really ever had the need to call them.

I have never met another person so in tune with my life as I have with Silas. It has been a truly wonderful journey and rides being his girl, and I am eager for many many MANY more years of this life sharing it with him.

Kinky Questions!!!

1) When did you first start getting introduced to kink, and how?

The first time I was introduced to the lifestyle of BDSM and anything kinky was when I was 19 years, this was back in 2003, and it was online. I had entered a chat room called the Slave Auction, and I had no idea what it was about, so I was simply curious. 18 years later, I am still heavily involved in the lifestyle and feel at home.

2) Since sometimes we take breaks, how long have you been involved with BDSM?

I have been involved with BDSM, online for 18 years. I have been involved in the BDSM world in Real Life for 6 years.

3) What is your favorite aspect of BDSM so far?

The fact that to me it is far more intimate than any relationship I have ever been in, outside of the lifestyle. It has curved my mind to think outside the norm of society, and I do believe it has assisted in guiding me to accepting people as they are, and not by what they do or are interested in.

4) What have you learned about yourself on this journey so far?

I have learned to accept myself for who I am, and not be ashamed of the things that interest and arouse me sexually. Even if other’s do not approve of me.

5) Has BDSM helped you in other areas of your life? If so, how?

BDSM has assisted me in accepting ALL people despite what interests them. I have learned that even if it isn’t an interest to me to not judge someone based off of it.

6) How much does the sexual aspect play a part in your BDSM experience?

A LOT, I do enjoy the sexual side of BDSM, but at the same time, there are many aspects of BDSM that I enjoy that aren’t sexual. It just depends on the current mood and mindset I am in.

7) In your opinion, can BDSM exist without any sexuality?

Yes, it can.

8) If you had to explain to vanilla what you do and why what would you say?

I would simply say that I explore my sexuality while also catering to the needs of my partner. That it makes me happy to see that their needs and fantasies are well satisfied. Just as they would their partner, my needs and desires are making sure that the needs and desires of my partner are taken care of.

9) How do you see yourself in one year from now with BDSM?

The same as I am now, just with more knowledge of new things I am interested in. Still, with the same partner, I am with, as I have found my happiness with Silas.

10) Do you feel your kinks are related to events that happened in the past, and if so, how? And if you said yes, is this helping?

I have to admit some of my kinks surprise me. I won’t get into much detail because some of my past is extremely painful, but I have noticed that after a few things happened in my past, I have a huge fantasy for them, but in a safe way. They are sometimes very therapeutic to perform, and I have grown from the trauma in the past by exploring some of these new fantasies.

Finding My Bark

Silas and I for the first real time did some pet play. It was rather fun, he had me eat some of my yummy cereal dry from my pet bowl, and when I would growl or try to nip him, I got my little beasty butt spanked with his hand or cane.

I was not permitted to use people words either. One bark was yes, two barks were no. It was funny, I had a deep bark, and then a tiny little arf like bark. I am unsure what kind of bark I really have. I am identifying as a wolfie, but maybe I am just a tiny wolfie?

I know I can be some magical fantasy wolfie if I want, or be a mixed breed. I guess it is just going to take time for me to really come into my own. I love the arf bark, it is cute, it is small and I am always small and playful so it makes sense for me to sound like an ankle biter.

So maybe I just haven’t explored enough yet, but I do know that my next step is to get me a doggy type mask and ears, I have a tail, but I might want another one, as I explore and learn. I need to focus hard and try to find my bark. I might explore youtube and look at different dog barks and stuff like that.

Though I did learn a valuable lesson when it comes to panting like any type of dog animal. You DONT do it when you are sick. I have had a terrible virus and been coughing up mucus like no tomorrow. So panting fast and heavily with my tongue out, made my chest burn. My lungs were on fire, and then after a few moments of doing it, all I did was cough really badly.

Though I admit I had always had the idea of being such a good slave girl. To really just be a slave, the way they are in the Gorean novels. I am starting to think that I don’t need that in my life. I am sooo happy being his little, his princess, his baby girl, and NOW…OMG…his PET…I let go, totally let go of every thought in my head, and just went into Petspace I guess. It was the best thing I have ever experienced in a long long LONG time.

So I think as I try to learn more about myself, I am seeing my needs change a lot. I am a Little more than anything else, and now a Pet has become second. I really believe slave is at the bottom of my list, and I don’t think being a slave is a need of mine anymore. That was my ultimate goal to achieve in my submission and now I just don’t think it is anymore.

Though one thing is majorly for certain. I want to find my bark!!! That is a new goal for me!!!

Fucking Douche Bags

I feel like I will never make any friends, or Silas will never be able to keep a friend. Despite the issue with the guy that hurt me in regards to our three-way relationship. Silas and I met a new person on Fetlife who seemed to be promising in the friendship zone. He was really polite, read my entire profile, and then spoke to Silas which is what I ask.

Talk to my Dominant before talking to me!

Anyways things were going great, he and Silas were getting on greatly and when he talked to me it was very respectful. He and Silas had much in common so I was so excited. Crossing my fingers that yay, Silas was going to have a true friend, that we can all hang out and just enjoy each others company. The man never once talked about anything sexual with me, but he did bring up relationships, with Silas and I in the future as a possibility.

At this time, No. I am hurt and healing over the last attempt.

That is where things went south. I told him it wouldn’t be for a while until I got to know him, met him, and the three of us became closer friends. He opted to say he didn’t have the time for that. The time to get to know us, or make sure our needs met up with his needs, and so on and so forth. I mean how else do people think relationships form? You cannot just snap your fingers and boom you have a relationship!

So now the Red Flags arise, and the truth comes out!

I finally asked him why he wanted to get to know me. He said he noticed that my Dom and I lived in two different cities. So he didn’t think we were that serious and wanted to take over my ownership. I mean seriously? I put a different location to the nearest largest city near me because that is where Silas and I go to the scene at their local dungeons, and it is for safety reasons.

But your Intent was to steal me?

That right there shows your true character. Your initial contact with my Dominant was a facade. A dishonest lie, because you knew deeply what your true intentions were. You were going to try and put a stick into our relationship so you could take over? The funny thing is, it never works out. Just because a Dom and his Submissive live in two different areas, even if that was the case in my relationship with Silas, what makes you think you have the RIGHT to assume it isn’t serious?

Dun Dun Duuuun!

It makes you look like an idiot because you read my profile. You claimed to have read what I have written and much of it. If that is correct then you know without a doubt that Silas and I are very very VERY serious. We have been going on four years of our lives, and it has taken me all this time to find him. The one Dominant that truly fits my needs without negotiations. Yeah we aren’t perfect and we sometimes argue like all couples, but come on.

Idiots, I swear!

You have officially been blocked, muted, ghosted, and whether or not my Dominant chooses to call you out on ALL of your bullshit and lies, that is on him, but I always, and will forever continue to put my relationship with my Master over any possible friendship. If you want to be a genuine friend, (which I doubt even exists) then I am welcome to it, but the moment I find out you are trying to destroy the most beautiful thing in my life, beware. I am a nice person but cross me and I am your worst enemy!

Is that my reflection?

How do you get the person you are back again? Scientists say every seven years your DNA changes, and then you change and grow as a person, but how do you get back who you were, when you compromised who you were in a specific situation? When you decided to toss out everything you stood for to try something new, and then it backfires? When you cannot look at yourself in the mirror anymore because you did it? It was the choice YOU made???

Silas and I have been trying for about a year to have a third person in our relationship? Maybe a fuck buddy, or an actual third person triangle romance? We tried with a switch. Someone I cared for deeply and Silas grew to love. It did not work out. We were both devastated. After that, we took our time to heal, and it was so hard for me because of my core values. Though I didn’t do much to reposition that.

Then the next time we tried, everything was great. Until pictures and webcam sex, the next day. Ghosted! I felt like such a dirty disgusting person. Still, Silas told me that I wasn’t such a person and that person was just a liar and a phony and a fake. It took me a little while to bounce back again, but even then I didn’t compromise who I was as a person!

So how do I bounce back when I have compromised who I am as a person?

So this last time the person was not a switch. Not like the first two. This time around I would be owned by TWO Dominants. This is so hard for me because my inner core is loyal, faithful, and monogamous. So how can I really have a three-way relationship? How can I give in and just do this? First of all, it is not easy. Not easy for normal people to have relationships like this. Let alone for someone like me who has been drilled and raised to be like this.

So we started it, it was great. I began to really open up. give in, accept a relationship like this. Then I got excited, aroused, and started to fall. It is no secret I wear my heart on my sleeve, but then Silas began to feel pressured. He felt like this third person was trying to change him as a person. Was trying to push him out, so he halted things so that way people had time to bond and learn each other more.

This didn’t sit well with this person!!!

So we decided, for now, we would just be friends, and they would come out here to meet with us, and hang out, and see where it went from there. So I continued to open up. To deeply bare my soul. I told them how I want only a genuine person in my life. Someone that is a person in my corner, and me in theirs. Silas is this for me, but sometimes you need another person to keep perspectives straight. Regardless of all of this, I was falling hard still and boom. Then he began to get distant. Then he began to make excuses. Then he began to flirt with a friend and told her we weren’t a thing at all.

Then he removed me from his life. All social media, fetlife, messengers, text messages!

Now I feel stupid. Stupid for finally opening up and trying this fully. Stupid for obeying Silas about this. Stupid for believing that there are still good genuine people in the world to associate with. I just feel like I compromised my core values and who I really was as a person for what? A fantasy? To try a new thing? Is it worth it?

I want to experience new things with Silas. No matter what they are, and the roads they take me down, but sometimes the hurt is real. The pain I feel, and the broken pieces of my heart that shatter again and again. Sometimes I envy Silas for the way he can bounce back. I wish it was so easy for me, but all I do is cry, or try to cry, or just want to cry. I am so heartbroken, angry, hurt, upset, emotional I guess. I cannot describe it really.

right now I cannot look at myself in the mirror and love who I am right now. Maybe in time, I will again!!!

Voicing my Submissive Needs – P.94

A lot of people believe that when you are submissive in a D/s or M/s dynamic, that the bottom, or submissive cannot ask for things they need or desire. However, in my dynamic communication is key. Not only that we are both equal partners in this relationship and we have discussed our needs, wants, and desires thoroughly. So as new things arrive that we want, we simply express them. I know I can come to my Dominant and ask him for things. He will take them into consideration, sometimes he says yes. Sometimes he says No. The decision is his in the end after I express myself. Sometimes he will ask me how badly I want it, and if he is in the mood he makes me beg for it. Sometimes I tell him just how bad it is I want something and he just grants it. To simply express my desires, needs, and wants is not topping from the bottom. In fact, I think it is the opposite.

Now if I tried to manipulate him into giving me what I want, then that is Topping from the Bottom!

Of course, making my Dominant happy is the most important thing to me, but this does not go against things I want or desire as well. We are equals in this relationship. My role as submissive does not take away from me as a person. In my Dynamic, it is not, HIS way only. Everything in our dynamic has been discussed, negotiated, agreed upon, and after the boundaries have been marked he can play within those lines, but at the end of the day, it is both a give and take relationship. He gets his needs fulfilled. I get mine fulfilled.

Nothing wrong with that in my opinion!

Some of the ways I voice my needs is begging. Which I believe I am mediocre at, but I am working on it. I can inform my Dominant that I need to speak to him. I can sit there and bring things like my leash, and pet bowls or his flogger and such between my teach. There are many ways really, but I tend to communicate them more than bringing things. Sometimes I beg because I know how much he likes it. I don’t believe a submissive voicing their needs, wants, and desires to be wrong, or taking away from their submission!

###, In fact, I think as a submissive, my Dominant wants to know ALL of me! So why would I keep my desires, wants, and needs a secret???

A Hard Lesson – P.93

The year 2018 was so hard on me. It wasn’t finances that were the issue. In fact, I think we have done pretty well to start getting caught up, but it was more emotional. My entire family pretty much fell apart, after so many years of me trying my damnedest to keep it all together. No one’s life is ever perfect and everyone had their own trauma, and shit they have experienced. It isn’t a competition but I just feel so out of control, because I cannot control this situation.

The hardest lesson I have had to learn and this is the most recent is that I cannot control what other people do, and the decisions they make are not my fault. The fact that I have to just accept what choices they make, even if it is a choice that I cannot do anything but accept it and try to move on and be happy.

My little sister is one of them. She accused me of some pretty heinous things even though I am innocent. She has been seeing a new therapist and ever since then she has accused our family of many things. When she was 23 she was sexually assaulted and then blamed my mother for not being there in that moment to protect her.

It was not my mother’s fault, nor something my mother chose for her!!!

So that was devastating, she accused me of sexually assaulting her when I was nowhere living with her. Though at the time she said I did it, I was sexually assaulted. I just do not understand it, but because of this she has ghosted me, one hundred percent and wants nothing to do with me.

Then my brother decided to move back to California. He was having trouble getting a job because he had a felony on his record for a DUI. So I can understand he had to move to make his life better, but at the same time, he abandoned his children. Now their mother is refusing to let us speak to them or see them. The same children that I raised for them for two entire years, while they both had to serve in Afghanistan. I have a bond with these kids. My mother and father have a bond. My daughter, my Master, everyone these kids have touched has a bond.

Now because he leaves we can’t do anything. We have no rights to visitation and I find out they are going to move to an entirely different state. I have not seen them since November, and my heart is just broken. This is the hardest lesson I have ever had to endure and learn. I am still struggling especially when I see an old picture or a video. Hell, I haven’t spoken to my biological father in 8 years, and even I struggle with that still. Though that was my decision because I am breaking the cycle of abuse.

I am trying to push forward. My Master helps me a lot to pursue things that interest me, and make me happy. 32 years of my life I have lived for my family. I have sacrificed my own happiness and dreams for them. Now granted some of it I would do all over again, like with my daughter. My Master helps me to see that I need to be happy to and that these weren’t my choices. I didn’t choose to abandon my nephew and niece, and that even though I cannot do anything but just wait for them to find me when they are older, I can still find some bit of happiness in my own life.

Which is something I have not done in such a long time? I never do anything just for me. Now I paint, and though my Master paints with me as well, we have our own styles, I am proud to say that I have sold my first official hand-painted piece of art. It may not be my family, it may not fix all of the pain and grieving I am going through, but at least I can find some bit of joy in my life.

I hope one day I will see them again, but if I never do, then I hope that they know I love them so much. It was not my choice, even though I must endure this decision. I will wait for them, and they will always be loved and have a home here with me should they need it.

My Garden – P.91

So back in the day when I was working with Sir InsideSeven, he told me that in my head there was a garden. The flowers were dead, and it was filled with weeds. He explained that the weeds were all my past traumas and relationships. During his mentorship, he stated I needed to de-weed my garden, churn the soil, and get ready to plant new flowers. The metaphor and concept of this were extreme, and I understood it greatly.

Before I could move on happily with a new relationship, I had to prepare myself. It is like building a house. You cannot build a house on faulty cracked foundation because the house will tumble down. So here he was, helping me to work through the weeds, one weed at a time. I had to process the trauma, the abuse, the pain, I had to accept that it happened. I had to understand what it did to me, and then pluck it out, and toss it away never again allowing it to control who I was, or who I was going to be.

It was not easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

So time goes by, the weeds are slowly plucked out, we begin to churn the soil so new flowers can be planted. It was time to start moving forward with my life, and moving forward I did. With a new outlook on life, a new way of thinking and seeing things, most relationships, I felt pretty secure in who I was. I was now able to start looking for a new partner to share my life with.

I ended a relationship with someone I loved so deeply. Someone I considered my best friend, someone I had seen as my Dominant, but someone I just could not foresee me ever marrying, and being married was a need of his. I was heartbroken that it ended, but not in the way I thought I would be. It was still a loss, but I was grateful that I got to spend so many years with him, and the experiences we had, and the lessons it taught me. Normally I would be devastated, but this time, as sad as I was, I was also happy, and truly grateful.

Two years later, Silas would enter my life!

I want to say he is the new Gardner of my flower bed, but truly I cannot admit this. In reality, I think we both are. He tends to parts of my garden that I cannot reach, and truly I do the same for him. We both teach each other new things, we accept each other unconditionally, and at the same time, we grow together as flowers do. Usually, it is one or the other, but to me, that appears to be selfish. If I am not tending my own garden, then I am not working to better myself as a person!

I can admit however that being with Silas for the last three years has definitely changed me as a person. Before he entered my life I was bitter. I never forgave people for hurting me, I never gave people second chances, and for good reasons too. He taught me it was okay to forgive people. He taught me it was okay to tell people I do not want them around me. He taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable, to need someone, to ask for help when I needed it.

Most Importantly, He taught me what it meant to truly be loved, and wanted!

He helps me grow as a person, and he holds me accountable for my actions, but what I love the most about him is that he lets me be, who I am, and does not judge me for it. He values my opinions, respects my beliefs, and he is there for me when needed. I remember him working a twelve-hour shift, exhausted because the night before I had kept him up late, and this was when we lived two hours away. My brother passed away and I was so devastated, that right after work he drove right down. He does things like this, and I didn’t even have to ask him to be there.

So it is no surprise that I admit he likely does more for me than I ever do for him. Despite him saying different all the time. Yes, he is my Dominant, my Daddy Dom, my Master, my Owner, but he doesn’t just demand things. He reads me, he assesses my health and my ability at the moment. When I cannot serve as I desire that day due to health reasons, that is when he curls me into his arms and tells me to just relax, and let him take care of everything.

How did I get so lucky?

I do not know how I really got this lucky, all I know is that I am grateful and in love, and have experienced being so happy that I never want this to end. I see my future in Silas, I see us growing old together, and I for the first time in my entire life, since being with Silas am hopeful for the future we get to share together!

I love you, my Master!

Relationship Seeking – P.92

Dating in the vanilla world can be rather difficult. Especially in this day and age with all the social media, dating sites, and so on and so forth. I really believe people prior to the internet age, had a better dating lifestyle. They were always busy, but when you were out on a date or spending time with someone, not a single phone was in sight and the person was focused on you. Now you throw in the fact that people just do not communicate anymore. It is no wonder why it is so hard to find a good partner, let alone relationships lasting for a long time. Back in the day couples can boast, that once they married they are looking at forty, fifty, sixty-year marriages. Today you are lucky if you can make it through one year.

Tragic!!!

Before I met Silas my dating life was pathetic. Vanilla I could catch a guy any guy but really I lacked proper communication skills and at that time I did not know my needs vs my wants. In fact, I have not had a vanilla relationship for ten years. It has been in the lifestyle and that is where I prefer to have it. Prior to Silas, I looked for Dominants for my relationships. In fact, I was so naive if a man said, “I am a Dom” well I was hooked. I did not know at that time there were fake Doms. It wasn’t until I was terribly hurt by a man physically and then robbed blind by another that I started to wake up and understand not all Dom’s are really Dominants.

Some are Domineering Douchbags!

Let’s face it. Finding a relationship is difficult for vanilla people. Mainly because of the lack of communication and the negotiation of needs. In this aspect, I believe finding a Dom is much easier because at the beginning it is basically an interview. I mean granted you get those on ANY first dates, but this lays out your needs, and their needs, and you know for a fact if they cannot perform ALL of your needs, it is time to move on. At least that is how it works for me because I refuse to settle and I choose to be happy so I found the Dominant for me that matches my needs, even if we sometimes still have ups and downs in our relationship.

That is normal for ANY relationship!

So I got lucky when I met Silas. He listened to my needs, and what I wanted and he did not ignore them. Some dominants out there do the…It is my way or the high way, and I don’t care about your needs. Those to me are Psuedo Dominants, and you can say otherwise, but in my opinion, they are not real Dominants, because ultimately for ME, if my Dom does not care about me, to take care of me as I do them, then that is just abuse.

My Dom is my Equal, Not My Better!!!

Silas and I are the same. If you strip away our titles in the lifestyle, it is just Silas…and Deka, two Equal people, and if he ever treated me anything but that it would be abuse to me. I choose to be subservient, it is MY choice, that does not Negate that I am every bit as important, as he is. Now I know some people like to be treated as if they are beneath their Doms, and that is them. However for me, I am his equal, and my needs and wants and dreams do matter, and they should matter to him, just as HIS does to me!

Every relationship is different, just please when you are out there looking for yours, be safe, sane and consensual.