Abusive Propaganda??? P.57

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I’m selfish, impatient, and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I’m out of control, and at times hard to handle. But if you can’t handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don’t deserve me at my best. ~Marilyn Monroe

Marilyn Monroe has been an idol for me for a very long time. She is timeless and beautiful, but I have noticed lately that my line of thinking is changing. I am constantly seeing things that used to inspire me, in new ways, and realizing it could be seen as abusive. Which startles me. How often have I been lined up with abuse and not truly know it? How long have I been in the Allegory Cave???

For example, the quote above said by Marilyn Monroe used to be one I treasured. I always believed that people should be able to handle my bad sides. Now I am not talking about my breakdowns, where I trigger, I am talking about my tantrums, my anger, my temper. All of which I should be able to control, and no one is required to endure them.

So when I read this quote again, it made me think. If someone cannot handle you at your worst, they don’t deserve you at your best?? So what Marilyn was saying, to me, is that she had the right to be abusive, and if no one could handle that abuse, they didn’t deserve her?

Oh no she did not just that!!!

I did. I did just say that. Now I don’t know what she truly meant because I wasn’t alive when she said it. I wasn’t able to ask her what she meant, so this is my PERSONAL perception of her words. How it translates to me, is that someone can be abusive, as much as they want, and if I do not choose to endure it, I am not worthy.

The truth is, anyone who sticks around for the abuse, to me needs help. Professional help! Which is sad, because my mother endured abuse or twenty-two years, and I should be a bit more compassionate to women that endure it. I have been through my own type of abuse, but I have never stuck around to endure it twice.

Part of me does not understand why people do!!!

This is just my own view on the quote above, but it makes me wonder. How many more things out there, commercials, pictures, politicals speeches, all sorts of propaganda out there, leading up to today, if we looked at it, would we see more abusive things?? Why has abuse been the norm in society??? Why are people allowing it to continue???

I am sure she meant, it more of how she isn’t perfect, and if they cannot handle an imperfect person they do not deserve her, but the other half of me truly views it as an abusive statement.

We need to stop the cycle!!!

“Dominance has nothing to do with ropes, cuffs, or floggers… It has everything to do with trust and strength.” – Unknown – P. 56

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I love hearing people who are new to BDSM, or just don’t know anything about it, discuss how it is just abuse or just a reason for freaky people to unleash their disgusting habits, and fantasies or they are bigots, or just cheaters etc. I mean how can someone be into bondage, and not Dominance, or be into service but not be hit with floggers. It is true, there are some that are just into the release of being tied up, or beaten with floggers, or be restrained with cuffs, and silk ties.

In my own personal relation, it is intertwined. I can have Dominance from my Master without any use of kinky things. We don’t need bondage, we don’t need the floggers because my submission is more than just fetish play. Granted the fetish play add that spice to our relationship that makes it that much more delicious.

Though I must admit it takes more than doing what you’re told, and a few spankings to say you’re in a Dominant/submissive relationship. It takes a huge dive into the trusts tank. Something you have to do blindly. Though the trust is truly needed, it is a struggle. I am sure I am not the only submissive that does struggle. In fact, we don’t get much credit for it. It takes a ton of strength to be submissive.

Dominants don’t always get recognition either. Do you know how much strength they have to have? To be in control of a submissive, you have to maintain protocol, learn what works for them, assess the scenes, make sure they are safe at all times, ALWAYS be in control of yourself, so you don’t hurt them, or anyone around you. Just as the submissive struggles to give up their ability to make decisions, and to fall in line, I am sure it is just as exhausting for a Dominant.

No wonder they need an annual Dominants Day Off, Day!!!

It takes so much strength in myself to surrender to my Master. Some days it doesn’t come at all, and those are days I just need him as my partner. Though I cannot be Dominated by just anyone. There is a lot that goes into it for me, more than just trust or strength. I need to know the person on an intimate level. By that, I don’t mean sex. I mean mentally, intimate. Stimulate my mind. Arouse my intellect. In fact, I find you more attractive when you just be yourself and display that you are proud to do it.

I also need to feel I am safe with you. It is no secret that I have survived abuse. So the feeling of safety is very important. Keep a strict regiment, I cannot handle chaos. I need structure, it is something that has been lacking in my life. My Master built trust with me, a foundation with me, which was more than just D/s. We started out friends and built up to what we are today.

There is talk in the future we MIGHT have play partners. He might let others use me for a scene. We might just unleash our kinky side, but one thing that has really aroused my fantasies is the idea of him commanding me to serve other Doms. Whether it is just domestic duties or sexual ones, is up to him.

I like to think I am a slut!!!

The idea of me just being used for pleasure arouses me, but I can face reality. I do not just put myself out there for every Tom, Dick or Harry. In fact, that is not me at all. Sure I talk a big game. My fantasies are all about Gang bang and being tossed to piles of men, but to do that on my own terrifies me. However, there is something more erotic when my Master says, you will do this. It makes me feel I serve him more!

I do have a desire to have my Master have his Dominant friends over for an afternoon lunch, and be the object of their conversation. YES, I do mean OBJECT!!! Which is something I don’t always like to say, because BDSM, Submissive, I am still a feminist? Go Figure!!! However, I wouldn’t mind once in a while in a consensual way, submit to being their Object for an afternoon. The idea to me is appealing.

I Do Have Limits!!! Though I have found out that the more I give in, the fewer limits I have!!!

Which is odd, when Master and I first got together, I had if I remember correctly about 70 Hard Limits. No one can say I didn’t know what I wanted and did not want. Today though I have maybe 4 – 5 hard limits, which are basic normal ones everyone has. I try more things and fall in love with more and more of my submission.

Though there are things I wish to improve on. My pain tolerance for one. Following orders..you know basic things, but the big thing. The one I want to work on the most is giving in. It is so hard for me to shut off, the every day, take charge of your life Deka. I want to be the, yes my Master, whatever pleases you my Master, sort of Deka, ALL the time. When I fail at this, I cry. It breaks my heart, and I really do not handle it so well.

I fall into a slight depression for a few days, because I failed in my duties to my Master. Which is something I never want to do? I used to have a friend, well someone I thought was my friend, that when my Master discussed me failing in my duties because I had a tantrum.

I am not perfect!!!

Though Master discussed it with him, that person had the nerve to tell my Master to just dump me and move on. Well, sorry for being human. I falter, I fuck up, but I can see it for what it is, apologize, beg forgiveness, take a punishment, and move the hell on, and try to improve myself. Usually, I give up, and usually, the Dom that owns me just let’s go and moves on.

This relationship has been so different for me. Master doesn’t give up, though he could if he wished. I haven’t given up either, though there were times I nearly did because I didn’t feel good enough for him. We have strived to work through every conflict, every misunderstanding, every hurt feeling, and we continue today to face adversity together, hand in hand, or leash in hand!!!

Master helps me work through my anxiety, and I try so hard to be his good girl!

I am responsible for myself. He is responsible for himself, and together we are both responsible for our commitment to each other. To honoring our contract, to holding each other accountable when we fuck up. To not make excuses, and to always no matter how hard it gets between us, not matter what problems we face, or people who point and stare at us, to stick by each other. Together we create on the whole unit. Without him, I am just a hollow half of something greater. I hope that in his eyes, I am the perfect completion to his puzzle, as he is to mine!!!

I Love You, My Master!!!

How can I be into BDSM, after surviving abuse???

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Like many others in the world, I have suffered trauma in my past. It ranges from domestic violence to molestation, rape, and even losing loved ones. I’ve done the whole, let’s be cool, drink and pass out, to hey what’s a good drug to party with today. Granted I didn’t do anything too hardcore. Nothing involving needles, because even though I enjoy the artistic side of needle plays pictures, I am terrified of them.

So, I have triggers, which I work through.

What I have gone through is no better or worse than the next person, but I can say that I have found more solace and peace with my issues in BDSM then I have in any therapy session. I have been diagnosed with PTSD, Severe Anxiety, and of course D.I.D. So, Post Traumatic Stress Disorder, Anxiety, and Disassociative Identity Disorder.

I am not afraid of these, nor am I ashamed of them!!!

So it really frustrates me when someone asks why I am into BDSM, after being a victim of abuse, don’t you trigger? The abuse, of course, could be any form of it. Yet this really bothers me. For many reasons. It has taken me weeks to decide to write about this. I wanted to wait until my anger subsided because it does make me angry. When someone calls me a victim.

I am not a victim. I am a survivor!!!

Even so, being a survivor has no reason to discourage me from BDSM. Yes, I trigger, but hardly do I actually trigger. Sometimes after having an orgasm, I get thrown into a panic attack. Now, if I wasn’t into BDSM, I would likely reach for prescribed medication, to help stop it, or reach for that brown paper bag to breathe in and out when I begin to hyperventilate. What I can say is that since I am into BDSM, I have found out that when my Master holds me down or ties my wrists up, it help me focus.

Master puts his weight on me, wraps me in his arms, and tells me I am safe.

Then he breathes in and out deeply, loudly, and tells me to do the same, to match his breathing. He will run his fingers through my hair, and be there for me until it passes. This works better for me than any pill a doctor has given me. This works better for me than therapy. Sometimes I know myself, my body, my brain better than any licensed professional.

Though yes, I trigger. I trigger all the time, and not even during BDSM a scene. After some things that happened in my past, I have a hard time going anywhere alone. If I have to drive anywhere by myself, my anxiety goes through the roof. Sometimes I trigger and have a panic attack. I am often when I am out scanning the crowds for faces of my past. Fearing they will be there any moment I let my guard down. Sometimes I detach when things become too chaotic, and in fact, I use to handle the chaos in my life rather well. I was outgoing, friendly, social, and now I am different.

I try to be a great person!!!

BDSM, however, does not affect my triggers as much as some think. I used to trigger every day. For ten years straight, I would trigger every day. I went through medication like it was candy. I couldn’t leave my house. Yet look at me now. I barely trigger now. Maybe once a month at that. I haven’t taken any medication in years. I do not go to therapy despite people saying I need help. My writing helps. My experiences help. BDSM has helped me.

So yes, I trigger. Yes, I am a survivor of several types of abuse, but it doesn’t define me. It doesn’t make BDSM unsafe for me. I do not do anything without my consent. I make all my decisions with a sane mind, and I make that while I am with my Master, that I am safe.

He ALWAYS makes sure I am safe!!!

I trigger, but I am safe!

Miss In….Dependent

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In the morning, or when your pet arrives, bind their arms behind her back comfortably. Use whatever you’re comfortable with, cuffs, restraints, rope. Just be sure it’s secure and wearable long term.

Play a little while, have a hot sexy fuck session. Afterward, get dressed and ask them to follow you. Don’t untie their arms. For as long as it’s funny/sexy, or for as long as you both can continue it, keep her bound and reliant on you. Make her beg or ask you to feed them, hold drinks to their lips, wipe after the toilet. Put food or water in a bowl for them to eat – particularly amusing if your pet does not have good core muscles. They will have trouble balancing, sitting, getting up. Orders to fetch things for you will be received with dread.

You can choose to use this as a punishment; making your pet say something humiliating with every request they make of you and ensuring they fail in tasks. For play, teasing and playing with your bound pet. To reinforce your level of control/devotion for your pet. It takes a great degree of trust and devotion to wipe someone’s ass or to look to their every need. (anonymous)

I don’t remember who wrote this, but after I read it out loud to my Master, he said he wants to do something like this to me. You would think it would be scary, to not be able to use your hands, and can only go about being completely dependent on someone else. Which would be extremely hard for me. Considering the fact of how independent I am.

I have to keep reminding myself that Dominants do need to feel needed, as much as they crave to be wanted. I always revert to my, I can handle it myself attitude. Mainly because I am used to being on my own, and being the only one that watches out for myself. Whenever I had an issue with someone or a problem I had to overcome, no one else was interested in helping me. So now it is really hard to have a problem and revert to asking my Master, to help me, before I tackle it from other angles.

Now, Master and I had had a few very intimate moments that have changed things in how my brain works. I truly feel I am changing for the better. So this made me recall a moment at the dungeon with my Master. Being blindfolded, with my hands tied behind my back. He had me leashed and would move me around. Walk me over to a table. He would help me onto the table, help me move in positions where I thought I was going to fall off.

This built trust between us!

As I continue to look back on it, it is something I have asked for more of. More blindfolds, and having my Master hinder me in ways that do in fact make me more helpless, and in need of him. So Master and I discussed this, and he said this sounded fun, and like something he would want to do in the future. Go a whole day, with having to ask him to help me. To beg to be fed, or helped up from the floor, and other things.

He desires me a little less independant!

Which is something I am working on? It is hard to transition from busy decision making, doing all the stuff daytime Deka, to his little submissive, pretty subservient Deka. Though we have been finding ways to start getting me into the mindset much more quickly. I am both scared and yet excited to do this with my Master one day. I am certain it won’t be entirely how they described it up top, we might make it in our own variant, but it is well anticipated for the future. Perhaps it will be the first thing we do in our new place?

I love you, my Master!!!

The Rights of a Submissive!!!

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So, my Master gave me a task to write about, and one that WE see very often, which is failed in our lifestyle. Of course with stories and movies like 50 shades of Grey, which let us face it, is a good fictional story…for what it is…FICTION!!! Yet it did shine a light on our lifestyle.

I want to say a positive one, but I am not entirely sure!!!

Now granted, it has opened up eyes to people, and have made our lifestyle a bit more known, and most people are a bit more accepting now, yet for others, it is seen as abuse, because people see the action of what is happening and not the relationship that leads up to that action. What makes this even worse is that predators and I don’t mean Primal, I mean predators, that like to abuse people, find our lifestyle to be an easy target.

Especially to those that are new to it!!!

So this was a reason my Dominant had asked me to write about it. Sir-Merrek Comes across women like this all the time. The ones that claim they are submissive, looking for a Dominant, a wants to be his dirty little whore, that has NO limits and will do whatever it is you want, no questions asked!!!

These women, and sometimes men come in not knowing anything. Granted I am not knocking anyone new to the lifestyle. I welcome anyone that finally escapes the Allegory cave, and comes into the sunlight, but I feel they just dive in, without researching. With people like Sir-Merrek, or even my own Master, they don’t get very far. Yet, what happens when they meet a Predator? One who is looking to hurt you, and not in a consensual way???

That is when I meet those women, who are owned by said Predator, claiming to be Dominant, when in fact, they are domineering and abusive. I cannot tell you how many times I hear, I am his submissive/slave, he owns me, and I have to do what he says, even if I don’t like it, or he hurts me, or it goes against any limit I have.

Red Flags, ALL over the place!!!!

So, first off, I tell them, BULLSHIT!!! You are a human being, and just because they Top you, doesn’t make you ANY less their equal. So I am going to list just a few of the main rights you have, not only as a submissive but as a person!!! If I listed them all, it would take the rest of our lives, because YOU are a person, you have all the same rights, the next person beside you does!!!

  • You have the right to feel safe.
  • You have the right to your emotions and feelings.
  • You have the right to say NO.
  • You have the right to be happy.
  • You have the right to have input in a relationship and discuss if things need to be changed.
  • You have the right to be loved and to love.
  • You have the right to be healthy.
  • You have the right to practice safe sex.
  • You have the right to set limits and expect them to be respected.
  • You have the right to a safe word.
  • You have the right to use this safe word and expect it to be respected.
  • You have the right NOT to talk about WHY you called this safe word.
  • You have the right to ask for things.
  • You have the right to aftercare.
  • You have the right to privacy.
  • You have the right to friends, and family.
  • You have the right to deny an order or command if it can get you into trouble with the law.
  • You have the right to not be verbal, emotionally, or physically abused.
  • You have the right to negotiate your contract.
  • You have the right to all the basic needs a human needs to survive.
  • You have the right to end the relationship, for any reason, whatsoever.

These do not list everything, just some of the major ones. Many of which I have encountered with people I have met. In fact, when I was new, I believed I had no rights as a slave either. I did whatever I was told, even if it put my life in danger. It took me years to find my own voice and courage to finally say, NO!!! I am not an expert but I try to be a voice out there to encourage women to embrace whom they are but to do so safely.

I wish I had someone to help me when I first started. I might have stepped right over a few men, and be better for it emotionally. However, I am grateful in a way to what has happened to me in the past, because it allows me to have a voice now, and the courage to help others. Through my trauma, and my journey I can hope that what I have experienced, and writing about it, might help someone else.

Wishful thinking, I guess!!!

However, I need to say this as well. These rights are yours, but it is in NO way a reason for your to be a pain in the ass. These aren’t to allow you to get out of punishments. This is not a reason for you to say you agree to a certain dynamic and then throw it in their face. This is a mature adult relationship. Two consenting adults, both giving something so intimate to the other.

It also isn’t easy for a Dominant to be a Dominant. So make sure that when you two are discussing your needs, wants, expectations, rules, contracts, the dynamic you want, rules, punishments, and everything that comes within this relationship. Be sure to take it seriously, and voice what you know you cannot do.

When you agree to terms, make sure you do your best to adhere to them!!!

Don’t make excuses, or use your rights as a human being, and submissive/slave, to top from the bottom. Be respectful of your partner as well. Don’t think you are better than them. You are both EQUAL and if you start to get that persona, perhaps it is time to reevaluate your relationship. Nothing will work if you aren’t willing to be mature, and communicate in a mature manner.

Trust me, I am not perfect. I have my tantrums just like everyone does!!!

I am also guilty in the past, of not sticking to my dynamic. It is learning experience. We are all learning and growing as individuals, just make sure that you are doing it, in a healthy way. Do your own research as well. Don’t just take the words of others. One last thing, ALWAYS be aware of RED FLAGS!!!

Isolating

• Tries to limit your access to others in your life friends, family, BDSM community.
• Forbids contact with others or undermines relationships or activities with others.
• Is negative and unsupportive of other relationships you have.
• Monitors your communications (emails, phone calls, chats) with others.
• Controls finances, the car, and the activities you partake in.
• May want you to quit your job, give up your car or telephone.
• Always asks where you’ve been and with whom in an accusatory manner.
• Calls and visits unexpectedly on a regular basis.
• Refuses to allow you a safe call.
• Becomes angry if you show signs of independence or strength.

Deceptive

• Is reluctant to give you personal and factual information about them.
• Refuses to give their marital status before a meeting.
• Gives inconsistent or conflicting information or details about themselves or past events.
• When you ask personal questions, gets angry, changes the topic, ends the conversation or answers questions with questions.
• Gets mad if you ask for references or want to ask others about them.
• Has very limited times/places/methods where you are able to contact them and gets angry if you try to contact them outside of those conditions.
• Does not give you their home and work phone number at the appropriate time.
• Has multiple online identities for interacting with the same communities.
• Cheats on you.
• Gives the impression of being very successful without any evidence of real success.
• Disappears from communication for days or weeks at a time without explanation.
• Are evasive about their activities, especially unexplained absences.
• Only interacts with you in a kinky or sexual manner as if role-playing.
• Will not have normal everyday vanilla conversations.

Socialization

• Critical of the BDSM community.
• Critical of multiple respected members of the BDSM community.
• Has multiple interpersonal conflicts within the BDSM community.
• Refuses to participate in the BDSM community.
• Has bad relationships with most or all of their family members.
• Has no BDSM references or friends you can talk to, and becomes angry if you ask for them.
• Has no friendships or refuses contact with their family.

Insecure

• Is always exaggerating.
• Always puts blame on others for things going wrong.
• They resort to extreme measures to prove that they are not at fault.
• Does not take personal responsibility, or acknowledge their own mistakes.
• Their apologies feel insincere, phony, or is insulting in nature.
• Puts you down in front of other people.
• Is constantly comparing themselves to others.
• Brags excessively about their experience, scene credentials, mastery, training, scene name dropping.
• Will not discuss what your possible future relationship could be like, Tries to keep you in the dark about what might happen next in the relationship.
• Never shows you their human side. Hides their vulnerabilities or behave in an emotionless manner.
• Hides behind their D/s authority says that their authority should not be questioned

Disrespectful

• Does not respect your feelings, rights, or opinions.
• Is rude to public servants such as waitresses, cashiers, and janitors.
• Displays little concern or awareness of the feelings or needs of others.
• Never says thank you, excuse me or I am sorry to anyone.
• Obvious and excessive displays of impatience.
• Believe that they are deserving of some particular reward or benefit even at the expense of others.

Manipulative

• Tries to make you feel guilty for not being “good enough”.
• Says that you are not a true sub/slave/Dom.
• Belittles your ideas.
• Blames you for your hurt feelings.
• Tries to make you think that relationship problems are your fault.
• Yells or by threatens to withdraw their love/leave you if you do not do as he/she wishes?

Inconsistent

• Consistently breaks promises.
• Makes plans then makes excuses for not meeting.
• Treats you lovingly and respectfully one day and then harshly and accusingly the next.
• Goes through extreme highs (behaving with great kindness) and pronounced lows (behaving with cruelty), almost as though they are two distinctly different people.

Domineering

• Pressures you into doing things you do not want to do.
• Does not respect your limits, negotiations or contracts.
• Pushes you into a D/s relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a sexual relationship too fast.
• Pushes you into a poly relationship too fast.
• Overly demanding of your time and must be the center of your attention.
• Insists a safe word is not necessary.

Intemperate

• Conspicuous consumption: spending largely and inappropriately on luxury items.
• Abuses alcohol or other drugs.
• Gambles excessively.
• Is constantly asking for money or material goods from you or others.
• Falls in love with you way too fast and swears undying love before even meeting you.
• Begins saying things like, “I can’t live without you.”
• Deliberately saying or doing things that result in getting themselves seriously hurt.

Tempermental

• Loses control of their emotions in arguments. Raises their voice, yelling, name-calling and blame.
• Uses force or violence to solve problems?
• Punch walls or throw things when they’re upset.
• Turns on their peers, going quickly from “best friend” to “arch enemy”, often for trivial or imagined reasons.
• Displays a disproportionately negative reaction to being told “no”.
• Holds excessive grudges against others and goes to great lengths to get revenge on people.
• Threatens suicide or other forms of self-harm.
• Hypersensitive and easily upset by annoyances that are part of daily life.

Conditioned

• We’re an abuse victim themselves and may be abusive as a learned behavior.
• May exhibit cruel behavior towards animals.
• Might admit to hitting a partner in the past, but claims the partner “made” him/her do it.

Safe, Sane, and Consensual!!!

Oh Gosh!!! *facepalms*

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So, Master and I were watching one of our television shows this morning. To get caught up on

The Catch!!!

So, we finished one episode, and it was time to get fully up and get some noms. Though before I got up to make us food, I shifted on my knees on the bed and was snuggling Master. Lightly kissing him, and tickling him just a little,

Because I was being a cute little wolfie!!!

So, my thighs parted a little as Master was tickling me and nuzzling me, and what have you, and he began to run his fingers up my thighs, and lightly touched my cunt! To which, I fell back onto the bed, giggling and in the most innocent girly voice I possess I said:

Noooo, Don’t touch my Pee Pee!!!

After that, I caught myself, covered my face as I became completely embarrassed. Master grinned, apparently, it aroused him, and it arouses him even more, to know that I am shy and embarrassed.

Covers my face, and just grumbles and blushes!!!

And all the ice cream you can eat!!!

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So we went to see Beauty and the Beast. Master’s favorite Disney movie. We had a blast, and the movie, which I thought wasn’t going to be a decent movie, because they changed the dress, auto-tuned her voice, and well I believe most of the main characters were English actors and not french ones.

Surprisingly the movie was wonderful, I even cried a little!!!

So after the movie, we went out to dinner, and Master gave me two options. He said, breakfast, or dinner. So I made my choice on which type of food I wanted.

We went to Denny’s!!!

So I chose breakfast, and Master said, I was permitted to narrow it down to TWO choices, that I might be interested in, and then he would make the final decision. So, I finally did, and I was proud of myself.

I am diabetic, and well, SUGAR is my thing!!!

So I am proud of myself because I didn’t order sugary pancakes or anything like that. Heck, I narrowed the carbs down as much as possible. So, I showed Master my possible two choices, and he made the final decisions, and after asking him, I was also permitted to swap out a few things on my meal.

  • No Maple Spread on the bread, just butter
  • No Hashbrowns, instead fries, with ranch
  • No bacon, because Deka doesn’t like bacon. (blasphemy, I know)

Though I admit, it wasn’t what I picked, how it was ordered, or anything like that. I was that Master permitted it. He had the final say in what type of sustenance I was allowed to have. Master doesn’t usually order my meals. It is rare that he has, but I like it. It helps me succumb more into my submission.

I think this might be something that Master and I need to truly make a rule of. That Master orders my food for me. I really like not only the aspect of it, the loss of the control of it but how it made me feel. Like I was in a small way taken care of.

Even at the grocery store the next day, Master made me buy some things. I wasn’t going too, I was just going to get his lunch stuff for work the next week, but Master said:

Deka, get a few things for you, and I expect you to get Bananas since your legs cramped up two days in a row!

Which they did, and of course I got Bananas. Master takes the best care of me, even when I am not thinking I deserve it. Most often I don’t feel like I am worthy of getting things. Master makes sure that I do, and helps me to see that I do deserve things too!

I Love you, my Master!!!

I Need A Spanking!!!

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When I say “I need a spanking” what I am really trying to say is…..

  • The world is too much for me right now.
  • I am too stressed and overwhelmed by all my feelings and need a safe outlet.
  • I need you to be there and spank me but also be there as I break slowly and fall apart systematically with each swat to my ass.
  • I need you to spank me until I am a sobbing mess on the floor.
  • I need you to hold me tight after and just let me cry until the sobs stop.

Please understand this. I am not calling myself a bad girl when I say that. I am saying “I have been too strong for too long and now I need to fall apart and I trust you enough to help me.”

Written By: Only a Pretty Fool

It’s all about the pleasure!!!

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In our lifestyle, we come across so many different dynamics. For instance, my owner and I just added a new submissive to the household. Well, a switch really. To my Master, he is submissive, but to me, not so much. I like to call him, Mr. Bossy! He didn’t appreciate me calling him Prince, even though I approve of that name!

So we so many different types of relationships. Some are strictly platonic. No sexual intimacy whatsoever. Like domestic servitude. You come in, do your chores, you leave. Some are littles, some are pets, and some are strictly sexual servants. Slaves of desire, and lust, and everything that is involved in it.

Pleasure isn’t always sexual, for instance, it can to the pleasure of someone sadistic taking out their desires on you, and causing you pain. It could be the pleasure of watching you dance, but most often in my experience, it has been sexual use. Someone using your body, for their pleasure. Whether that be obtaining as many orgasms from you, as your body can take them, or just using you for their own orgasm, and tossing you to the side.

I do not label myself, mainly because I am so many different varieties of submissive that it would take years to truly look that deep into my soul and identify each one I am. I can be a little, covered in the blanket with my stuffy as a blanket burrito. I am the princess that stomps her foot, and Master thinks it’s adorable. I can be submissive and do chores and such to my owner’s delights. I like to be a kitten sometimes, and just lay there and be petted, and eat from my food bowls, or most often my head space is that of a slave.

Willing to do pretty much anything to please my Master!!

I can identify with the term pleasure slave to the extreme. I also have a slight alignment towards Gor. Oddly enough, since my owner is a FtM Transgender. So that doesn’t exactly work with the Gor novels. Though it doesn’t bother me. I can truly identify with pleasure slave because I enjoy giving and receiving it. If I could survive off sexual encounters, good golly I would be the happiest little slut on the planet.

I am all too eager to give into someone’s desires and perform my best for them.

Lately, though we have been diving more into primal play. Something that we seem very excited to experience. Though I find it is rather difficult to locate specific information regarding this. Which of course drives into all sorts of mindsets and other areas of interest.

When I am a little, I like my stuffy, and my blankie, and cuddles. I do not necessarily require a collar for this mindset. I don’t even think I would be alright with wearing a collar in this mindset. When I am submissive, or in my slave mindset, there is definitely a collar. I have a white leather collar, with an O-ring, which is temporary until we purchase my official collar. I suppose we could see the white leather collar as my training collar in a way.

I did have the cutest little day collar. A double chain, with an O-ring, and a crystal hanging from it. Though it broke, so not the crystal, and pet tag hang off my key chain. This is what I used to wear in front of people that were not in the lifestyle, or when we didn’t go somewhere formal, that required a stricter restraint. I don’t have a kitty or wolf collar, though I am certain if my Master required them, or desires them it wouldn’t be an issue.

Our official collar will be made in Germany, handcrafted one of a kind to fit my neck. It has a story of O feel to it, but completely metal, and lightly made, so that way it is isn’t too heavy. We will also be getting me a new day collar. Something a bit more sturdy, and lasting. It makes me eager!

There are so many collars out there, for so many things. Pet collars, little collars, fetish collars, submissive collars, slave collars, etc. It depends on the dynamic, and what you and your Dominant desire. Though I have found that some prefer only their Dominants to choose, while others choose them together. Master and I chose ours together, and it made it far more special and intimate for us.

Dynamics are so different for each couple, and really we only get to see parts of it. You get to read so much of my relationship, but it is ONLY from my side and my own personal thoughts and feelings about it. So we only really get to see only parts of people’s relationships. So what seems okay to them, might be weird to us.

For instance, no one can call me a fucking bitch, or a dirty whore. I would likely make them swallow their teeth, but my Master can. He calls me his whore, and his little-heated bitch, and a cum slut, and all these other names and words that for someone in the vanilla world, would become truly upset.

However, in our dynamic, they are pet names, and turn me on rather than upset me. It wasn’t always like this. Sometimes he would call me something and it bothered me. Now it doesn’t anymore. I am not sure if it’s because our relationship shifted from D/s to M/s, or if I have just been more understanding that they aren’t meant to actually be derogatory towards me. Less that, and more for the kink purposes, or maybe to keep me in my mindset.

I have noticed I have changed over time. For the better, I hope. I don’t see words like that as putting me down, at least not from those in our lifestyle. Though I have met a few men online whom claim to be Dominant, and well, they need more education. I have also been doing more about consent, and such. I have opened my mind more to all sorts of things. It is hard to write about them when I already going onto five pages with this prompt.

The prompts have helped me grow as well. To explore more areas of my mind, my heart, my soul, and I have been one hundred percent honest in each one. Even if I am embarrassed or ashamed. I have not hidden away, or sugar coated anything. That for me is a major step!

Yay, progress!!!

Tired of the Abuse – Learning to Walk away!

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The lack of acceptance is getting to me. You’ve been reading for awhile now, we all know my Master is a Transgender, Female to Male, but is still in her very early stages. To my family, we are a lesbian couple, even though I am pansexual. They are so closed minded that they make it hell for us on a daily basis. When we are around them, they don’t even use her name. It is….SHE or That girl…or Deka’s friend!!!

Rolls Eyes!!!

I find it funny, though. My mother LOVES that show Sister Wives. She says it is okay, because of their culture and religion. My relationship, however, is a Sin against hers! I am not religious, spiritual maybe, but not religious. I find religions are cults, and I am a FIRM believer that religion is the number one reason the world is the way it is!

To each to their own opinion!

Now, this bothers me. We don’t flaunt our relationship in front of them! We don’t try to convert them! We don’t do anything that would harm them, or offend them! We are very tolerant for everyone’s belief, but I am done listening to it. I do NOT have to be around it anymore. Which is funny. My family was raised to be accepting of everyone. To stand up and protect those that cannot be protected, but that no matter what you do. The family is Family!!!

Yeah, Family is Family, if it’s THEIR way, right???

I have one brother who died because he was into drugs and alcohol, and he ended up drowning. The person responsible was never brought to justice. He was a minor, the adult gave him the supplies, so we will never seek justice there! My other brother is in prison and will be there for another 5-8 years. He was a thief, drug addict, etc etc etc.

These two kids they adopted!

Every single one of my siblings, that have been married properly..are divorced, or in the middle of it. I have one brother back from three tours in Iraq who needs help, but good luck from the government taking care of their veterans. My other brother is in the lifestyle and has distanced himself from the family.

I don’t blame him, since my family makes fun of his submissive, calling her The Dog since she wears her collar!

Granted that is not something I would do. I have a day collar for family events but to each their own. They have their own dynamic, and that is what works for them! Yet they aren’t perfect either. Neither is my little sister. She has huge issues and is literally killing herself by exercise. Though they all walk on water with my family. All of them, with their issues!!! They can do no harm in my parent’s eyes!

So why, Me?

I am simply in love. We have a good relationship. We make each other happy, we pay our bills, we keep a roof over our child’s head, and food in her tummy and she doesn’t want for anything. We have her in a good school, with the best opportunities for her. We sacrifice things for her, and for this family. For what???

To be shamed?

Now we have a new person in our relationship! Chris whom we both cherish and love and adore. He plans to move in one day as long as things continue going well, and I am eager to have them go well. Master is too!

I call him Master, and Chris Calls her Mistress!

It works for us. This unit works for us! This little unit makes us happy! We aren’t about there, murdering people, doing drug, becoming alcoholics, breaking the law, and yet we are shunned as if we committed the most heinous crime! So we are excited to be getting our new place, to be done with this.

So today I broke down. If my relationships don’t work out, I will be completely alone. It is hard to make this step. We will move, and I will distance myself from my family. It is MY choice to do this, but it is a hard one for me.

Family means everything to me!

Yet I have come to believe now, a family is a choice. I CHOOSE who is in my family. That family isn’t always blood, and that is alright! One day I may be completely alone. I may be on my own, I hope that isn’t the case, but it is my decision. After our argument today, it is one I am eager to make!

I am tired of the abuse!

I don’t need my Master around it, or Chris around it, or our daughter around it. I DONT need to be around it, and I choose NOT to be around it anymore!