My Garden – P.91

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So back in the day when I was working with Sir InsideSeven, he told me that in my head there was a garden. The flowers were dead, and it was filled with weeds. He explained that the weeds were all my past traumas and relationships. During his mentorship, he stated I needed to de-weed my garden, churn the soil, and get ready to plant new flowers. The metaphor and concept of this were extreme, and I understood it greatly.

Before I could move on happily with a new relationship, I had to prepare myself. It is like building a house. You cannot build a house on faulty cracked foundation because the house will tumble down. So here he was, helping me to work through the weeds, one weed at a time. I had to process the trauma, the abuse, the pain, I had to accept that it happened. I had to understand what it did to me, and then pluck it out, and toss it away never again allowing it to control who I was, or who I was going to be.

It was not easy, in fact, it was one of the hardest things I ever had to do.

So time goes by, the weeds are slowly plucked out, we begin to churn the soil so new flowers can be planted. It was time to start moving forward with my life, and moving forward I did. With a new outlook on life, a new way of thinking and seeing things, most relationships, I felt pretty secure in who I was. I was now able to start looking for a new partner to share my life with.

I ended a relationship with someone I loved so deeply. Someone I considered my best friend, someone I had seen as my Dominant, but someone I just could not foresee me ever marrying, and being married was a need of his. I was heartbroken that it ended, but not in the way I thought I would be. It was still a loss, but I was grateful that I got to spend so many years with him, and the experiences we had, and the lessons it taught me. Normally I would be devastated, but this time, as sad as I was, I was also happy, and truly grateful.

Two years later, Silas would enter my life!

I want to say he is the new Gardner of my flower bed, but truly I cannot admit this. In reality, I think we both are. He tends to parts of my garden that I cannot reach, and truly I do the same for him. We both teach each other new things, we accept each other unconditionally, and at the same time, we grow together as flowers do. Usually, it is one or the other, but to me, that appears to be selfish. If I am not tending my own garden, then I am not working to better myself as a person!

I can admit however that being with Silas for the last three years has definitely changed me as a person. Before he entered my life I was bitter. I never forgave people for hurting me, I never gave people second chances, and for good reasons too. He taught me it was okay to forgive people. He taught me it was okay to tell people I do not want them around me. He taught me that it was okay to be vulnerable, to need someone, to ask for help when I needed it.

Most Importantly, He taught me what it meant to truly be loved, and wanted!

He helps me grow as a person, and he holds me accountable for my actions, but what I love the most about him is that he lets me be, who I am, and does not judge me for it. He values my opinions, respects my beliefs, and he is there for me when needed. I remember him working a twelve-hour shift, exhausted because the night before I had kept him up late, and this was when we lived two hours away. My brother passed away and I was so devastated, that right after work he drove right down. He does things like this, and I didn’t even have to ask him to be there.

So it is no surprise that I admit he likely does more for me than I ever do for him. Despite him saying different all the time. Yes, he is my Dominant, my Daddy Dom, my Master, my Owner, but he doesn’t just demand things. He reads me, he assesses my health and my ability at the moment. When I cannot serve as I desire that day due to health reasons, that is when he curls me into his arms and tells me to just relax, and let him take care of everything.

How did I get so lucky?

I do not know how I really got this lucky, all I know is that I am grateful and in love, and have experienced being so happy that I never want this to end. I see my future in Silas, I see us growing old together, and I for the first time in my entire life, since being with Silas am hopeful for the future we get to share together!

I love you, my Master!

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Relationship Seeking – P.92

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Dating in the vanilla world can be rather difficult. Especially in this day and age with all the social media, dating sites, and so on and so forth. I really believe people prior to the internet age, had a better dating lifestyle. They were always busy, but when you were out on a date or spending time with someone, not a single phone was in sight and the person was focused on you. Now you throw in the fact that people just do not communicate anymore. It is no wonder why it is so hard to find a good partner, let alone relationships lasting for a long time. Back in the day couples can boast, that once they married they are looking at forty, fifty, sixty-year marriages. Today you are lucky if you can make it through one year.

Tragic!!!

Before I met Silas my dating life was pathetic. Vanilla I could catch a guy any guy but really I lacked proper communication skills and at that time I did not know my needs vs my wants. In fact, I have not had a vanilla relationship for ten years. It has been in the lifestyle and that is where I prefer to have it. Prior to Silas, I looked for Dominants for my relationships. In fact, I was so naive if a man said, “I am a Dom” well I was hooked. I did not know at that time there were fake Doms. It wasn’t until I was terribly hurt by a man physically and then robbed blind by another that I started to wake up and understand not all Dom’s are really Dominants.

Some are Domineering Douchbags!

Let’s face it. Finding a relationship is difficult for vanilla people. Mainly because of the lack of communication and the negotiation of needs. In this aspect, I believe finding a Dom is much easier because at the beginning it is basically an interview. I mean granted you get those on ANY first dates, but this lays out your needs, and their needs, and you know for a fact if they cannot perform ALL of your needs, it is time to move on. At least that is how it works for me because I refuse to settle and I choose to be happy so I found the Dominant for me that matches my needs, even if we sometimes still have ups and downs in our relationship.

That is normal for ANY relationship!

So I got lucky when I met Silas. He listened to my needs, and what I wanted and he did not ignore them. Some dominants out there do the…It is my way or the high way, and I don’t care about your needs. Those to me are Psuedo Dominants, and you can say otherwise, but in my opinion, they are not real Dominants, because ultimately for ME, if my Dom does not care about me, to take care of me as I do them, then that is just abuse.

My Dom is my Equal, Not My Better!!!

Silas and I are the same. If you strip away our titles in the lifestyle, it is just Silas…and Deka, two Equal people, and if he ever treated me anything but that it would be abuse to me. I choose to be subservient, it is MY choice, that does not Negate that I am every bit as important, as he is. Now I know some people like to be treated as if they are beneath their Doms, and that is them. However for me, I am his equal, and my needs and wants and dreams do matter, and they should matter to him, just as HIS does to me!

Every relationship is different, just please when you are out there looking for yours, be safe, sane and consensual.

D/s and Chronic Pain

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I know I am not the avid blogger that my partner is but, this topic I feel does not get addressed enough. It is something that is very personal to Deka and I as we both struggle with chronic pain. I want to address how someone deals with all walks of BDSM and living with their condition or disease.

The first step is being honest with yourself. It will be painful to really look at yourself and realize the 24/7 dynamic you want may not be the dynamic you get. You may want to kneel on the ground to your Dominant all the time but you can barely stand to get out of the bed in the morning. So, admitting to yourself that you are not perfect is an amazing stride in becoming the best person, whatever side of the slash, that you can be.

After you have realized what you can physically achieve, set goals. Even small goals are amazing to accomplish. A goal can be anything, from kneeling for ten minutes a day, practicing positions, reciting mantras, remembering rules. All of it is important to feel successful and validated within your dynamic and your relationship.

Not every act of dominance or submission has to be a huge production. Tv and porn over glorify what BDSM truly means. If you cannot kneel, bow your head and cross your arms behind your back. The gesture is the same ‘I am vulnerable’. You are giving your partner power over you in your most vulnerable state. Any action can be altered to make it more friendly to those who suffer from chronic pain.

Change your lifestyle to better accommodate your health needs. Deka and I started our journey as goreans in high protocol all the time. For the first few months it was great but as time kept on, we moved in together, and we found it was a struggle to keep that dynamic. It was like trying to hold water in your hands. We would try but for some reason it kept slipping away, leaving us both empty. She wanted to be a slave but with her getting hurt and my poor health, it was extremely hard to do the things that were being demanded of her. When we began, so new and raw, we would never have considered being a Daddy Dom and her being little. Though, as I watched her struggling with pain, screaming through the night, crying until she couldnt see, the need to be served was outweighed by the need to take care of her. Through DDLG we can still have a power exchange dynamic that works for us but I have become the caregiver and she gets a little bit of the childhood she never had. Now my room is overflowing with stuffies.

For Dominants with chronic pain, you are still who you are. Pain is hard. It takes a lot for us to get out of the bed in the morning on top of worrying about our relationship and our dynamic. It is perfectly okay to take a mental health day and to just relax. There is no shame in being too tired or in too much pain. Dominants and Tops are still people and we, too, suffer from illness and disease. It is important to realize that being a Dominant doesn’t need a grand production all the time, and submissives need to understand this. I do not always say ‘Deka, you shall cook and serve me dinner because I am your Dominant.’ Instead, if we go to a restaurant, I indicate where I want her to sit. She also does not eat until I have begun eating, even at home. Even small things can direct a dynamic and make it fulfilling.

Make allowances. Deka has rules and if she breaks them, she is punished. However, some days, I realize that her own pain is too much for her to bare and it may be making her break her rules. On those days, when the pain is really bad, when the disease is rampant, be supportive. You are not a failure, your partner is not failing you. Hold each other, weather the storm, and try again when it has passed. Do not hold grudges because of pain, that will only destroy you and your relationship. Remember that because of pain, people argue, scream, and say things they normally wouldnt. Try to be supportive, open, and accepting. I promise you will be happier.

Major Fail – P.90

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I think I wrote about this once before but when asked, might as well write it again. Silas was sitting on the couch, we haven’t even started living together just yet, but he was visiting. I got up to close the door, and he was oh so tempting to look at there comfortably on the sofa.

BowChica WoW WoW

Well, at least that is how I imagined it in my mind when I played it very fast. So as I closed the door, I turned what I hoped was slowly and seductively. I began to sensually walk across the room. This got his attention and a grin.

Yes, It was working!!!

Then I come closer, place my hand down on the sofa arm, and lean in for a nice, hot, steamy kiss. Then gravity tossed up her arms and went…Mmmm Mmm Bish, NOT TODAY!!! My hand slipped down the fabric and as I tried to catch myself:

BOOM!!!

I fucking head-butted Silas right in the damn face!!! I am a clutz, and will always be a clutz. I liked to think of myself as classy, a lady, and every time I try anything remotely sexy or seductive, I somehow manage to fuck it up!

We laughed, and he didn’t break up with me. Now today is 3 years. I love him more today than I did any other day.

My Mentor – P.89

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Though Silas is my Dominant, and the best Dominant I have ever had, I want to write about someone else today. This person was a major turning point on my journey down this road in the lifestyle. Because of him, I took things from immature, right down to growing up and taking this lifestyle seriously. I used to take the lifestyle for granted, and top from the bottom. I think nearly all submissives do at first. Some see it as a game, but really it isn’t. It took me a long time to find this out.

 

So after I had enough heartache, I decided to obtain a mentor. Sir InsideSeven was his scene name, and sadly I think he left Fetlife and such, but he holds such a dear place in my heart. He mentored me and helped me to think outside of the box. Not only that he also changed how I saw certain things in people, and that ending a relationship doesn’t have to be ugly. It just means we had a great journey together, and now that time has ended. On top of all of that, he also taught me the proper tools at obtaining and maintaining a proper D/s relationship.

 

Let us face it. Most do not have these tools at the get-go!

 

He even gave me the courage to face my past trauma head-on, and to start holding people accountable even if that person is my Dominant. I cannot say how grateful I am to this man. He was truly the person I needed in my life at that time. I find it funny that most people consider cannot swallow their pride to obtain a mentor. Most are in denial as well. I know my Master has said he would love to have a mentor for areas he knows he needs to work on. I know it is hard as well. Some people that say they are mentors and they push THEIR way of doing things. Like THEIR way of being a Dominant, or submissive, when really you should only be teaching the tools, and not how you do things personally.

 

Anyhow, Sir InsideSeven was amazing. He taught me so much, but mostly a different way to look at the world, people, and relationships. In my opinion, if you feel lost, struggling, etc. Don’t give up, and maybe try to find a mentor. They can become a great friend to you as well. Keep it ethical though, do NOT enter a relationship with your mentor. That is important to keep in mind.

 

Remember, to stay Safe, Sane, and keep everything Consensual!!!

Love and Romance – P.88

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In my past relationships romance was dead. I had romance from my first boyfriend before he passed away tragically at a young age. After that, it was a strew of boyfriends who lacked a romantic bone in their body. A few of these men I fell in love with, but it was never a butterfly in my belly situation. So maybe it wasn’t love? I don’t know.

There are moments with Silas, who is romantic to me, where I get butterflies, or I feel like we are the only two people in the room and all he can see is me. For me, at these moments it is more than just an emotion. I feel like a princess. Almost as if we are lifted to another plane of life.

Maybe it’s just me.

Though we share a 24/7 TPE relationship, and explore a few different subcategories of our D/s relationship, romance has to be included. I am an old-fashioned woman, and I want chivalry, I want PDA, and affection from my partner, despite our dynamic. We are of course more than just D/s. We have a very vanilla relationship as well.

We paint, and sing, and laugh, and roast each other. We cook, clean, pay bills, do shopping and 99 percent of this time it’s us doing it together. Sometimes Silas gives me a task while he is at work, clean the bathroom, or wash the dishes, but for the most part, we do it together, as a couple. We are perfectly okay with this and it does not affect our relationship or dynamic.

To some, they would disagree, but we don’t care what others think.

Especially since we have been appalled recently by our community on some of their answers to our questions. Anyways, that’s a totally different story. So back to topic. Romance, and Love for me play a huge part in our relationship, our dynamic, and I cannot be in a D/s relationship without it.

I cannot be sexual with someone I did not care about, which has made it very difficult for me and Silas to even attempt having a play partner. I have to find them intelligent as well, otherwise. No point! Which sucks for me. Though I am perfectly happy being where we are. In fact, things are changing again in our relationship. We have gotten widely into painting. I like to do abstract, and Silas is more into actual painting pictures. He is so talented.

I don’t think we would have survived these last 3 years without romance and love. If we ever lost it, I am not sure we would remain together. At least for me. It is a need in my life!

Ten Day Movie Challenge – Day Ten

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“Ten-day movie challenge: post just an image, no explanation, from 10 movies that had an impact on you. 10 movies, 10 images.”

Day Ten: The Little Mermaid

This is my all time favorite movie. It has been since it came out. It made me as a little girl believes in fairytales, have a huge love for the ocean, but it wasn’t until I got older that it made me realize that love can conquer anything, despite how different two people really are!

Ten Day Movie Challenge – Day Nine

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“Ten-day movie challenge: post just an image, no explanation, from 10 movies that had an impact on you. 10 movies, 10 images.”
 
 
Day Nine: Double Jeopardy
 
 
This movie taught me a bit about the law, where you cannot be charged for the same crime twice. This also got me interested in the law as well, because of this movie I really wanted to become an attorney, at least when I was younger. This movie also taught me you do what it takes to protect yourself and your child.

Ten Day Movie Challenge – Day Eight

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“Ten-day movie challenge: post just an image, no explanation, from 10 movies that had an impact on you. 10 movies, 10 images.”

Day Eight: Forest Gump

I am a huge patriot and so it is no wonder why Forest Gump is on this list. I love the way the movie depicts the man he is. The patriot he is and the way it gives useful information. This movie makes me want to be a better person. Someone kind, caring, and compassionate like Forest Gump. Not only that, when Forest gives his word, he keeps it. That is something that does not happen in this day and age anymore. When I give my word, I follow through! Period!

Ten Day Movie Challenge – Day Seven

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“Ten-day movie challenge: post just an image, no explanation, from 10 movies that had an impact on you. 10 movies, 10 images.”

Day Seven: Stephen King’s IT

I cannot explain how much I love scary looking clowns. IT, with Pennywise I watched as a young child. I must have been about nine or ten years old. It was the first Stephen King movie I remember watching. This movie did not frighten me and I have not been frightened by horror films ever since. When it comes to movies and books and ninety-nine percent of things in life I feel no fear. I do have a love for clowns because of this movie.