Relationship Seeking – P.92

Dating in the vanilla world can be rather difficult. Especially in this day and age with all the social media, dating sites, and so on and so forth. I really believe people prior to the internet age, had a better dating lifestyle. They were always busy, but when you were out on a date or spending time with someone, not a single phone was in sight and the person was focused on you. Now you throw in the fact that people just do not communicate anymore. It is no wonder why it is so hard to find a good partner, let alone relationships lasting for a long time. Back in the day couples can boast, that once they married they are looking at forty, fifty, sixty-year marriages. Today you are lucky if you can make it through one year.

Tragic!!!

Before I met Silas my dating life was pathetic. Vanilla I could catch a guy any guy but really I lacked proper communication skills and at that time I did not know my needs vs my wants. In fact, I have not had a vanilla relationship for ten years. It has been in the lifestyle and that is where I prefer to have it. Prior to Silas, I looked for Dominants for my relationships. In fact, I was so naive if a man said, “I am a Dom” well I was hooked. I did not know at that time there were fake Doms. It wasn’t until I was terribly hurt by a man physically and then robbed blind by another that I started to wake up and understand not all Dom’s are really Dominants.

Some are Domineering Douchbags!

Let’s face it. Finding a relationship is difficult for vanilla people. Mainly because of the lack of communication and the negotiation of needs. In this aspect, I believe finding a Dom is much easier because at the beginning it is basically an interview. I mean granted you get those on ANY first dates, but this lays out your needs, and their needs, and you know for a fact if they cannot perform ALL of your needs, it is time to move on. At least that is how it works for me because I refuse to settle and I choose to be happy so I found the Dominant for me that matches my needs, even if we sometimes still have ups and downs in our relationship.

That is normal for ANY relationship!

So I got lucky when I met Silas. He listened to my needs, and what I wanted and he did not ignore them. Some dominants out there do the…It is my way or the high way, and I don’t care about your needs. Those to me are Psuedo Dominants, and you can say otherwise, but in my opinion, they are not real Dominants, because ultimately for ME, if my Dom does not care about me, to take care of me as I do them, then that is just abuse.

My Dom is my Equal, Not My Better!!!

Silas and I are the same. If you strip away our titles in the lifestyle, it is just Silas…and Deka, two Equal people, and if he ever treated me anything but that it would be abuse to me. I choose to be subservient, it is MY choice, that does not Negate that I am every bit as important, as he is. Now I know some people like to be treated as if they are beneath their Doms, and that is them. However for me, I am his equal, and my needs and wants and dreams do matter, and they should matter to him, just as HIS does to me!

Every relationship is different, just please when you are out there looking for yours, be safe, sane and consensual.

D/s and Chronic Pain

 

I know I am not the avid blogger that my partner is but, this topic I feel does not get addressed enough. It is something that is very personal to Deka and I as we both struggle with chronic pain. I want to address how someone deals with all walks of BDSM and living with their condition or disease.

The first step is being honest with yourself. It will be painful to really look at yourself and realize the 24/7 dynamic you want may not be the dynamic you get. You may want to kneel on the ground to your Dominant all the time but you can barely stand to get out of the bed in the morning. So, admitting to yourself that you are not perfect is an amazing stride in becoming the best person, whatever side of the slash, that you can be.

After you have realized what you can physically achieve, set goals. Even small goals are amazing to accomplish. A goal can be anything, from kneeling for ten minutes a day, practicing positions, reciting mantras, remembering rules. All of it is important to feel successful and validated within your dynamic and your relationship.

Not every act of dominance or submission has to be a huge production. Tv and porn over glorify what BDSM truly means. If you cannot kneel, bow your head and cross your arms behind your back. The gesture is the same ‘I am vulnerable’. You are giving your partner power over you in your most vulnerable state. Any action can be altered to make it more friendly to those who suffer from chronic pain.

Change your lifestyle to better accommodate your health needs. Deka and I started our journey as goreans in high protocol all the time. For the first few months it was great but as time kept on, we moved in together, and we found it was a struggle to keep that dynamic. It was like trying to hold water in your hands. We would try but for some reason it kept slipping away, leaving us both empty. She wanted to be a slave but with her getting hurt and my poor health, it was extremely hard to do the things that were being demanded of her. When we began, so new and raw, we would never have considered being a Daddy Dom and her being little. Though, as I watched her struggling with pain, screaming through the night, crying until she couldnt see, the need to be served was outweighed by the need to take care of her. Through DDLG we can still have a power exchange dynamic that works for us but I have become the caregiver and she gets a little bit of the childhood she never had. Now my room is overflowing with stuffies.

For Dominants with chronic pain, you are still who you are. Pain is hard. It takes a lot for us to get out of the bed in the morning on top of worrying about our relationship and our dynamic. It is perfectly okay to take a mental health day and to just relax. There is no shame in being too tired or in too much pain. Dominants and Tops are still people and we, too, suffer from illness and disease. It is important to realize that being a Dominant doesn’t need a grand production all the time, and submissives need to understand this. I do not always say ‘Deka, you shall cook and serve me dinner because I am your Dominant.’ Instead, if we go to a restaurant, I indicate where I want her to sit. She also does not eat until I have begun eating, even at home. Even small things can direct a dynamic and make it fulfilling.

Make allowances. Deka has rules and if she breaks them, she is punished. However, some days, I realize that her own pain is too much for her to bare and it may be making her break her rules. On those days, when the pain is really bad, when the disease is rampant, be supportive. You are not a failure, your partner is not failing you. Hold each other, weather the storm, and try again when it has passed. Do not hold grudges because of pain, that will only destroy you and your relationship. Remember that because of pain, people argue, scream, and say things they normally wouldnt. Try to be supportive, open, and accepting. I promise you will be happier.

Silence is Golden – P.85

There are sometimes where Silas and I play that I lose my tongue. We will be doing a scene, or he will be training me and I don’t know precisely how to respond. Sometimes I get so far into it that I simply cannot form the words to answer his questions, or even say a word to him.

It doesn’t have to be during a scene either!!!

I remember the day I submitted fully to my Master. Silas and I met online, in a game called Secondlife. We role-played Gor there and for a few months we never even spoke about normal day to day things. It was strictly a story we wrote together to enjoy some downtime. Out of nowhere, we sparked a relationship.

One I was not looking for.

He decided to drive down to meet me since we only lived 2 hours away. I had made some slave papers for him, with my name on it, and him as the owner of me, and framed it and wrapped it. He told me he wanted me to decide if he was the one for me and if I would submit. So just before he left the day, after he met my entire family, my daughter and we had a date, I had decided that I would indeed give it to him.

No words were needed. I cried and my Master cried a little and then I was wrapped in his chains and bondage, and now we are coming up on three years. I had presented my wrists to him in submission, the papers, the contract it all seems just as if it was yesterday. Sometimes words are not needing to be spoken. Silence is always a comfort as well when two heats know what is right for them.

A look or a small signal is also comfort in the silence.

I can tell certain things with just the way Silas gazes at me. I can tell certain things by his body language, a small flick of his wrist, a finger pointed, there are many times in life, and in our relationship that can be explained without verbal communication. In these moments I don’t even think words would even be comforting as a look.

and Silas has his looks!!!

My favorite is the way he looks at me and makes me feel that I am not only safe but loved, protected, wanted…I don’t know how he does it, but what can I say. I am a very lucky girl to have a Dominant like him. My entire world revolves around him and I wouldn’t want it any other way. Whenever everyone else in my life has abandoned me and left me hanging, I know I can count on him.

I Love You, my Master!!!

It isn’t what you wear!!! P.83

I used to never go to play parties, munches, dungeons, etc because I had no idea how I should dress. Whenever you see stuff online, photos, porn, etc you always witness them in fetish gear. Leather, Lace, Masks, Cuffs, blindfolds, etc etc etc. So I always felt if I did not have the proper attire I would never fit in, or be known as a submissive. How silly of a thought!

We go to our local dungeon every so often, and its casual. However there is a place I had wanted to go, but they have rules where you can ONLY come in wearing leather. So, guess that’s not the place for me after all. Sad, but true. Not everyone can afford nice leather outfits, and I am one of them. Rarely do I get to have something so nice like that. However, it’s their place, their rules, and I respect that.

That was then and this is now. Now I know it isn’t the clothing that makes the submissive. It is the heart of the person. I often wear jeans and nice tops when I am out in public. Sometimes skirts and dresses, which Silas prefers, since he enjoys me being more feminine, but never have I not felt submissive when dressing a certain way, and never has he said I was not submissive for dressing a certain way.

I need to be comfortable most of the time, and Silas affords me that.

So being little has helped me a bit, as I can wear ridiculous outfits if I want to, and still feel cute. I have a few select nighties that I wear to arouse him when I am feeling big, and slave-like, and of course, there is always my wolf tail butt plug when I need my owner. I can always of course just go naked, which is my preferred method of living. Clothes, bother me!!! I never feel unsexy for the most part, and I hardly ever do my makeup. So what Silas has, is an all natural submissive, little, pet, slave girl at home. He seems to be okay with it, and so am I.

Just because I don’t dress a certain way all of the time or do my hair and makeup 24/7 does not make me less of a submissive. Some haters will read this and laugh at me for it, but I don’t knock those girls who use all that makeup all the time. I just can’t fucking see to do it myself, so boom natural beauty for me seems to work. Plus on special occasions, Silas will do my makeup. So it is more special to me. This does not define me as a lesser submissive. Nor does dressing up all the time make anyone better. We are individuals and really it is about my service to my Master, and what he prefers that defines my submission. So why do I even care about other people’s opinions???

Truth be told, I don’t!!!

Silas once told me that it was hard for me to be seen submissive in his eyes because I could not kneel the way normal women do. I have a broken back, and broken knee, nerve damage, etc. So kneeling on my knees in set positions means I can’t walk for three days after. So we find other ways. Like my sitting between his legs on a cushion, while we watch television. He had me cut eleven inches off my hair to prove I could let go and let him be in charge. That was so hard for me. My hair is my favorite thing I love about myself. He brushes my hair before bed each night, though lately its been slack since he has been hurting.

We have tasks set up for me. Chores to do, dinner to cook. I have weekly inspections, etc etc etc. Silas shaves my legs and sometimes will bathe me, depending on the mindset we are in. Sometimes I bathe him. He always gets my snackies and juice when I am in little mode, and sometimes he will sit there and rub lotion all over my body because he knows I am always dehydrated no matter how much water I drink.

We have other rituals as well and sometimes they don’t feel like rituals anymore because of how intimate they are. Sometimes we just sit and color, or read books. He might be role-playing while I am curled up next time watching some of my favorite television shows. Sometimes I will play my phone app game, or browse Instagram while he is playing his Xbox. We have a very vanilla relationship on top of our D/s, and most often our Vanilla relationship wins out, because of LIFE, but our Dynamic though sometimes feels rocky, is never gone.

I feel I could have sex all day every day!!!

Which is frustrating because as life gets in the way I will be lucky if its twice in one week! Silas knows I am addicted to sex, and maybe this is his way of saying, I will get it when he wishes me to have it, or maybe LIFE just gets in the way. No matter our ups and downs, I love Silas. No matter our fights, or arguments, disagreements, or how much I hate some of the crap he does, and how much he hates some of the crap I do, our Dynamic always seems to works, our relationship lives on for another day, and in the end, I don’t want to share this world, and life with anyone else.